HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are we ready, boys?
BEN KISSEL
All right!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get ready to come.
BEN KISSEL
Come.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So my goal this week, because this is our 19th creepypasta episode.
MARCUS PARKS
19th.
BEN KISSEL
Yep. 19th. Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
19th, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
19, huh?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Old enough to die in a war but not old enough to-
BEN KISSEL
Drink alcohol.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
BEN KISSEL
Or smoke cigarettes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Wow.
BEN KISSEL
Or rent a car.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's 25, you can't.
BEN KISSEL
Let's see, what else can't you do at 19?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean nothing fun.
BEN KISSEL
Read creepypastas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean you better, honestly you should stop by the time you reach the of 19.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I wanted to find something genuine, like genuinely frightening. I've always said that, I always say this.
MARCUS PARKS
You've said this 19 times and you have failed 19 times.
BEN KISSEL
Every time because you make it all erotic all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well this is different.
MARCUS PARKS
Also you're just genuinely, you are absolutely incapable of not being a clowny man.
BEN KISSEL
That's his curse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I work hard at being scary.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Oh scary, oh yes. Ah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The economy.
BEN KISSEL
Ah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? He's being scary.
BEN KISSEL
That's good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I went back to my old stomping grounds.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I went back to X.
BEN KISSEL
To Queens? To X.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On 4Chan.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Back to 4Chan.
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I gotta say, man, they have gotten just so stupid.
BEN KISSEL
Well yeah, you've said this every time! What are you talking about?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just every time I go back-
BEN KISSEL
Literally you just said this the last time and the time before that and the time before that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This time what I found was what they called the conspiracy theory iceberg chart, right. Where it shows this whole long thing, you look at this, you look at this image, right.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's this long thing of various things.
BEN KISSEL
Is it the tip of the iceberg?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It starts at the tip of the iceberg.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where it starts with like Trump-Russia collusion, COVID hoax, JFK, Epstein.
BEN KISSEL
And then it ends with...?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And the last thing on here is called the final understanding in the Moksha tier, right.
BEN KISSEL
There you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God is being raped is one of them as well.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is apparently a symbolic thing about the logos and stuff. I don't really know all the other terms. But I started looking up stuff to kind of see what would be ooky spooky.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah man, it's just...
MARCUS PARKS
Not there.
BEN KISSEL
Not there anymore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I wanna be scary so maybe something scary can happen.
BEN KISSEL
Boo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah!
BEN KISSEL
There you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I need something scary to happen.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean I chose all the stories for this episode, there's a couple of things in here-
BEN KISSEL
Well welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, Ben hanging out with Henry and Marcus. We're doing Creepypasta XIX, I'm sure you could all figure that out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Spooky spaghettis.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's very good this time.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This time we're having spaghetti at lunch.
MARCUS PARKS
And I think that there might be some stories here that might tickle your frightened penis a little bit, send it further into your pelvis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you have any idea how hard it is to tickle a frightened penis?
BEN KISSEL
Henry, can you please tell our audience to roll up a hog's leg and get stoned?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course. Of course, buddy. I mean first of all, have you taken your blood pressure medication today?
BEN KISSEL
That's not for our audience, that's for you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because what I found truly sometimes chasing that with a bong rip is actually really nice. Right? You let that kind of come in in there.
BEN KISSEL
That's healthy. Is that what the doctor said?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What I would recommend, right, because this is why I'm now full in to a whole world of weed, especially during COVID, I got real fucking nerdy with it and I really liked it. And I think the key is you gotta get a grinder, right.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is now my new thing. So before you start this episode, before we get into this, number one, call your mom, tell her to go fuck herself.
BEN KISSEL
Don't do that. Don't do that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All she's doing is coming down on you being like my tile floor, my tile floor isn't ready yet. Right?
BEN KISSEL
Is your mom's tile floor not ready yet?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly it is taking longer than it should.
BEN KISSEL
What else does your mom have to do? Just wait for tiles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's extremely busy doing I don't know what. She's extremely busy.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And once you're done with that, take off your shoes, take off your socks, put your shoes back on.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Take the pants off over the shoes. Welcome to vaudeville.
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I used to do, that's how I got to be a good performer is I learned how to do it very quickly, I learned how to remove-
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because again, when you are... Because I'm mostly loose skin, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I suck in, my pants can just fall straight to the ground. This is a true performer, I'm born to be a performer, I have a performer's DNA.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then what I want you to do is go, my main thing is now I separate my keefs, right. So I collect them in a little tray. And see that's the dust catcher.
MARCUS PARKS
Keef catcher for your grinder.
BEN KISSEL
When do the people get to smoke?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, it takes about 20 minutes.
BEN KISSEL
Okay. So you got no socks on, you got shoes on, your pants are around your ankles, I guess you're wearing underwear.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, you are.
BEN KISSEL
50/50.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
50/50. Again, on you because again I don't know what chair you're sitting on.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because for me, Natalie has openly expressed, it's probably good, I very rarely sit nude.
BEN KISSEL
Well the butthole hits right on the cushion there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is like a suction cup on it.
BEN KISSEL
We know, we know that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't sit on my chair in the office nude because it can leave a full streak.
BEN KISSEL
Well and you never know when you're gonna get aroused at work.
MARCUS PARKS
Hey, we've got an all nude everywhere policy in our place. You can sit anywhere you want, wearing whatever you want, or nothing at all.
BEN KISSEL
Wow, that's so hot Marcus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But is that real?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's weird to me that people even think about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You sit naked on your couch in the living room?
MARCUS PARKS
Wherever, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
He and his wife just-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fabric.
MARCUS PARKS
So what?
BEN KISSEL
It doesn't matter. I'm not sitting on his couch anymore.
MARCUS PARKS
Well you're not gonna be eating off of it.
BEN KISSEL
You don't know what I do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I mean...
BEN KISSEL
Continue, the audience is-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just didn't know because I actually felt like there were there should be a divide.
BEN KISSEL
I agree. Put some cardboard down.
MARCUS PARKS
I had this girlfriend back in college who used to yell at me any time I sat naked on the comforter on our bed. She's like get your filthy ass off of the comforter!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's different.
BEN KISSEL
That's a little rude of her.
MARCUS PARKS
Well she was rude.
BEN KISSEL
It sounds like it. Also she probably had a point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She might have.
BEN KISSEL
Anyway, so we have the keef.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah so I separate it by sativa and indica and I have two separate grinders, one for indica and one for sativa. What I do is I separate my strains.
BEN KISSEL
You roll it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, listen you fucking asshole.
BEN KISSEL
The audience wants-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have little utensils that I purchased. I went to a store, I have a little spoon. Oh yeah, no, I know you're all ready to go but we're not ready to go.
BEN KISSEL
Just smoke the joint.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The audience is not ready to go. You pour a little bit of, I do a little sativa scoop of the sativa keef, layer that-
BEN KISSEL
How are you making this so boring? Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I mix it up. Then I take a scoop of indica, this is completely real. I scoop it on top. I put an indica keef layer just right on top of like a layer cake, right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Like a burrito.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then I use my hemp wick. I gotta say, man, this is a really good way to not be able to talk to your family anymore.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It takes all of your responsibility as a human away.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
BEN KISSEL
And then you...?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Smoke it.
BEN KISSEL
Smoke it. All right everyone, well go through those steps and follow them in order otherwise this episode isn't going to be scary at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It doesn't count.
BEN KISSEL
It doesn't count. Okay. So Marcus, you have done a great job. Wonderful research as always finding the tales of woe that we're going to talk about and read today. Henry Thomas Zebrowski, I believe you're up first.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He said my full name, I feel like I'm at the DMV.
BEN KISSEL
HTZ.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh okay.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So this is public submitted by Austin Brook.
BEN KISSEL
Ah!
MARCUS PARKS
And in full disclosure, these were all sourced from bogleech.com.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very cool.
BEN KISSEL
Bog leech.
MARCUS PARKS
Old school creepypasta site.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You sure you want to give them the number? That's the font, that's the delta.
MARCUS PARKS
That's fine. They can go read as many as they like. They don't come here for the creepypasta, they come here to listen.
BEN KISSEL
That's right, they come here to listen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
Put on your best drag outfit and read to the children. Come on now. Come on, here we go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god. There's been 9/11 II.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just got told by my secret service. All right. "I've always hated public bathrooms. It's just so awkward trying to go with other people around. When I was a little kid, I'd sometimes get so nervous I'd forget how to unbutton my pants."
BEN KISSEL
Man, this is a scary, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I never went during school. All through elementary and most of junior high-"
MARCUS PARKS
Most of junior high.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Most of our junior high, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh you always had that one day where you had to break your own code.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Where you're just like I gotta liquid shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Full liquid shit.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've told that story about how I went into a stall in the middle when I was running sound on a talent show and I was forced to by the tech class and I had a liquid shit in the middle of the show and I ran down to this theater bathroom to do it as quickly as possible. And fucking the shit fell out of me so fast and I got all over the rim of the seat and got all over the inside of my pants and I had to take off my pants and then I looked over and realized there was no toilet paper and then I crawled underneath the station between that area and into the other stall. And then I looked and I saw an older Asian man and his granddaughter coming in and I just watched this shit covered 300 lb 16 year old just crawling around the stall in between bathrooms.
BEN KISSEL
And that's the end of the story. Well fantastic, great.
MARCUS PARKS
I can see why you've always hated, hated public bathrooms.
BEN KISSEL
Public bathrooms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've always hated public bathrooms. "And I've been getting over it lately. Since high school I've been able to go without too much stress and now that I'm in college, I even sometimes use the urinal if I'm the only one in the room, like I thought I was today."
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It was the ground floor bathroom in the library and I was feeling pretty comfortable because it was almost always empty. Still mostly out of habit, I checked the stalls for feet. None. Time to whiz in peace. I headed for the urinal, I had to go pretty bad. Right? Pretty fucking bad. So I was the only one midway through my leak-"
BEN KISSEL
This is pretty scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"When I heard the creaking. The distinctive creak of something that was definitely not supposed to be creaking. And then there was a moan. (moaning) "Low and raspy. Shit, I thought nervously. Must have been somebody in there after all." (moaning) "The moaning and the creaking intensified." (moaning)
BEN KISSEL
It's a 300 lb Henry Zebrowski covered in his own shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And then just as I was shaking off, it sounded like someone had dropped a bowling ball on a piggy bank, followed by water surging from shattered pipes. Jesus Christ, were they so fat they shattered the toilet? Not the most mature thought but the first one that popped in my head. Yellowed water started flowing across the floor from the handicapped stall. I lifted 1 foot in silent disgust and froze. Swirls of red joined the stream pooling on the floor. On the current sailed, what, is it shit? No, it had veins and sometimes hair or flaps of what looked like skin. And was that an eyeball? The groaning started in the stall again." (groaning) "I nearly asked if they needed help but I stopped myself for some reason. What was wrong with me? Whoever was in there must be hurt, apparently pretty badly if pieces of them were floating down the drain. I was still standing there when the stall's door swung open, pushed open by the wall of flesh that had slumped against it. It was fat but not like a fat person. It was corpulent, fat like an elephant seal or a hippo. And lumpy. Huge and pale and fleshy with blue veins visible just beneath the semi transparent skin, like the underbelly of a biology class frog cadaver. It lay flat on its face or what I assume was its face for a moment before struggling-"
BEN KISSEL
Struggling.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Before struggling.
BEN KISSEL
Before struggling.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Ponderously to its feet, its stubby arms pinwheeled with puffy, swollen palms that threatened to engulf stubby baby fingers."
BEN KISSEL
Really good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I slowly slid my junk back into my pants as it found its footing. I took a few cautious steps forward." (groaning)
BEN KISSEL
Weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I stared straight ahead of me, straight at the wall afoot from my face, jaw clenched, furtively trying to will it out of existence, to make myself invisible, to not be here right now. Suddenly whap! Trembling, I slowly turned my head. It had tripped again, slipped in the steady stream of water spewing from the ruined toilet in the handicapped stall, its head had bashed against the other urinal, the one right next to me, half ripping it from the wall, adding another source of toilet water to the deluge." (groaning)
BEN KISSEL
Scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get me a Bud Light!
BEN KISSEL
No, it's not me. It's not me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's Puffin!
BEN KISSEL
All right, I see he's projecting a little bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"There was lots of flesh on the voyage to the bathroom drain, its head was definitely not human. It must have been 3 ft wide with a stubby snout and reptilian mouth filled with short, thin, evenly spaced needle teeth that spanned the entire width. And it was making a man cry about the end of BG acting."
BEN KISSEL
Background acting, I knew that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Bulging, toady eyes stared blindly and unblinking from either side of its freakish face which was bent awkwardly towards the sky. After its high speed appointment with the porcelain, it must be dead. It must have been dying already the way it was gasping, struggling to support its own weight. It had to have smashed its own brains in. I was just starting to exhale in relief when it stirred again." (groaning)
BEN KISSEL
Uh oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Try Betterhelp! Lastpod!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Once again it was trying to stand, trying to support itself from what was left of the urinal, its head swinging lifelessly from its shoulders. It was as if it was hanging on only by the skin, like the head of a mascot costume that had been dislodged. I valiantly resumed my interrogation of the bathroom wall above my urinal. It plodded through the flooded restroom, pish-pish- pish-pish, past me. It stopped at the sink, leaned on it heavily for support, seemed to check its face in the mirror, though neither its eyes pointed straight to the glass or even showed signs of movement or comprehension. It pawed numbly at the faucet, turning on the water more with its doughy palm than any sort of dexterity of its vestigial fingers. It splashed some water on itself and that seemed to calm it somewhat. Despite myself, I coughed. I jerked suddenly and turned so that shoulders faced me though its head was staring into space to its right, seemingly noticing me for the first time. It held up its hands apologetically." (groaning) Rough morning.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I had to record.
BEN KISSEL
Rough morning, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It was slowly backing towards the door and then turning away and half lunging, half falling at the bathroom door, stubby limbs scrambling on the wet bathroom tile. I stood in the middle of the room alone again. I zipped my fly. A sudden curiosity overcame me. I tiptoed casually towards the handicap stall, the door still wide open, to look at the toilet. The toilet had burst like a popped zit or maybe closer to a ruptured abscess. Shards of porcelain like bits of egg shell clung to a meaty tumorous wad."
MARCUS PARKS
Evocative.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Broken pipes jutted from the mass like cut arteries, oozing a mixture of blood and sewer water. Clumps of hair dotted the mass and a couple of things that looked eerily far too much like human fingers. I put my hands on my knees and dry heaved." (gagging)
BEN KISSEL
(gagging)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I staggered out of the bathroom, looking around frantically for that quivering thing. No sign of it but a couple of wet footprints. I ventured further down to the stacks towards the exit." I noticed it led to a Chevy Silverado.
BEN KISSEL
Interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"A couple of books have been pulled haphazardly from a shelf and lay in a massive irregular rounded damp spot on the carpet. I stemmed gingerly around it. As I passed the checkout counter, I told the receptionist that the men's bathroom was out of order, my voice shaking. I still don't like going to public restrooms but I hate going into public restrooms alone worse."
MARCUS PARKS
You get it? Now he he used to hate going into it with other people-
BEN KISSEL
That's a good, nice short story that really went somewhere. Wow. Did he ever zip up?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I liked it. I liked it.
MARCUS PARKS
I loved the story. Yes, he said, "I stood in the middle of the room alone again, I zipped my fly."
BEN KISSEL
I zipped my fly. So he is zipped up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you remember what's his name, remember that video you showed?
BEN KISSEL
Good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Remember it was from back in the day that was like the weird like pink herky jerky style man walking down the street going like-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, kind of like that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what that guy reminds me of.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I just imagine it to be like-
BEN KISSEL
Well what was it?
MARCUS PARKS
I like to think of it as like Bobo and Lil' Debble from Nothing But Trouble.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like that. Pustuled and made of shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do remember one of the scariest nightmares I'd ever had as a child was a reoccurring nightmare where I saw a flattened man that would come up to the door of my house. He was a man like in Beetlejuice.
MARCUS PARKS
Or Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
BEN KISSEL
Sweet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. But he was like smeared and he would walk in a parallel line.
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's going like (raspy) let me in. I don't know what it is-
BEN KISSEL
Did you let him in?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Of course not. It's flat people.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then I left and then I found a unicorn made out of Gak.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I remember Gak.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The unicorn made out of Gak scared the shit out of me, man.
BEN KISSEL
Man, we used to just have fun with science and chemicals. Gak was just, god knows what cancer that caused. I loved Gak.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Gak is still live-
BEN KISSEL
Also what was the one that had the little crunchies in it? It was like a Gak derivative.
MARCUS PARKS
Spiv.
BEN KISSEL
Something like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cernk?
BEN KISSEL
It was cool though, it was awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It had texture.
BEN KISSEL
It had texture to it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was like a living styrofoam, that's what that was made of. What was that called?
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Poopoont?
MARCUS PARKS
Lingul?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Poont?
BEN KISSEL
Something like that, something fun, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Proon?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Proon?
BEN KISSEL
Proon! Nematodes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, so this is now Kissel-
BEN KISSEL
This is mine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is yours.
BEN KISSEL
It's not as long, thank god.
MARCUS PARKS
I give you the short ones.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you. I love that. Nematodes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god.
BEN KISSEL
This is submitted by Infralthin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
InfernalThing.
BEN KISSEL
Infralthin?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is thing, truly Kissel... I will say Kissel's reading over the years, it has improved.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's faster on the fly.
BEN KISSEL
I don't read for fun, I only read for knowledge. You guys read your little books to try to escape but I don't escape reality, I live in it and I fight it every fucking day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're right, you're absolutely correct. It's good to not read.
BEN KISSEL
No, I read my stories, I read my articles, but I don't read this bullshit for pleasure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You come in and say stuff like I read a news article that says pigeons are giving people cancer. Like you have like the weird... I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
I have a father's sense of knowledge.
MARCUS PARKS
I think we may have just pinpointed the first thing you need to start working on.
BEN KISSEL
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Escapism.
MARCUS PARKS
Escapism. Get out.
BEN KISSEL
No, no, no, buddy.
MARCUS PARKS
Get out. Don't spend so much-
BEN KISSEL
I'm so in.
MARCUS PARKS
You're too in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the one thing that we all suffer from is now that we're also doing more of the stuff on Twitch, I cannot read a username. I cannot decipher-
BEN KISSEL
Oh they're hard.
MARCUS PARKS
It's hard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't believe how stupid I become as soon as it's a username.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it is hard. So Infeerlianthin, InfernalThing. Here he goes. "It all started with abdominal pain. The frequency of these symptoms got me worried, and so worried that I went to the hospital to see what it was."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is this real?
BEN KISSEL
No, this is from this guy Nematodes.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I feel like you might have-
BEN KISSEL
The only time I had to go to the hospital is when I broke my arms last year that no one seemed to care about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We did.
MARCUS PARKS
We cared about it. And you played it off.
BEN KISSEL
I had to. Remember when I burned my hand? I also played that off. I've been through a lot and no one even fucking knows it!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus Christ, we haven't even gotten-
BEN KISSEL
Oh god dang it!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We tried.
MARCUS PARKS
We tried to show concern and you just brush it off so fast.
BEN KISSEL
No, no. I'm fine. "It all started with some abdominal pain. The frequency of these symptoms got me worried, and so worried that I went to the hospital to see what it is. And the doctor told me I got infected with intestinal worms. And he told me that these worms in particular are highly dangerous and I should get operated on. He did the removal operation and offered me some pills and then he said I should take some more pills to prevent future infection. Despite taking the pills, a few weeks later I felt the same symptoms." This is like bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah it is.
BEN KISSEL
"I had to return to the doctor to get operated on again-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's nematodes.
BEN KISSEL
"And he gave me-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me guess at the end.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
And he gave me those pills.
BEN KISSEL
"And he gave me those pills again. Now I know what the coincidence is but another few weeks later, I got infested again. This is ridiculous. And that wasn't all."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's totally ridiculous.
BEN KISSEL
It's ridiculous. "I got reinfected numerous times."
MARCUS PARKS
It's totally unbelievable!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is unbelievable!
BEN KISSEL
"What the hell are these pills if they don't do their job? One day I squeezed a pill too hard and it opened. Strangely, the interior was filled with some white foam. On the day of the seventh operation, I regained consciousness during the operation but luckily I was still numbed. When I turned towards the doctor, I saw to my horror that he was eating the freshly removed worms." Cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I could see Kissel's reaction immediately. He'd just be like did you even pay for those worms?
BEN KISSEL
Did you pay for them? Those are my worms. So he was using me as a worm harvest because he wanted to eat-
MARCUS PARKS
He wanted to eat worms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nematodes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Was it the Oogie Boogie Man? Remember there was a wrestler, Boogeyman or something like that.
MARCUS PARKS
You're thinking of the villain from Nightmare Before Christmas, the Oogie Boogie Man who's made of worms.
BEN KISSEL
No. I know that but there's also a pro wrestler who like would eat worms.
MARCUS PARKS
That rings a vague bell.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which one?
BEN KISSEL
Controversial.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was that the voodoo guy?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
No, that was just Papa Shango. This guy was like legit. He would legitimately eat worms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nematodes are roundworms.
MARCUS PARKS
They're gross.
ROB OKEY
The Boogeyman.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
The Boogeyman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Boogeyman.
MARCUS PARKS
The Boogeyman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you, Rob.
BEN KISSEL
All right, well there it is. A scary kind of medical one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. Well this one's called 'Same As It Ever Was'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Same as it ever was.
BEN KISSEL
Same as it ever was.
MARCUS PARKS
This is not... Oh sorry, submitted by StickyDot. "This is not my beautiful house!"
BEN KISSEL
I love that song.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do too.
MARCUS PARKS
"This is not my beautiful wife!"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Lyrics from Once In A Lifetime.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
MARCUS PARKS
"The only song by Talking Heads that most people know." That's not true, people know Burning Down The House.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a smarmy thing for StickyDot to say it.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I do understand.
BEN KISSEL
They're one of the most famous bands of all time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anyway.
MARCUS PARKS
"But it's the most relevant song in my life right now. This wasn't my house and that wasn't my wife."
BEN KISSEL
God, this is cool. It's like that chick on the plane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've said this before.
MARCUS PARKS
"It's so obvious but they won't stop trying to fool me. My wife is 5 ft 3 with black hair and a bob cut, beautiful green eyes."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. Nice.
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
"What's sitting at the other side of the table is a mop."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no.
MARCUS PARKS
"A mop."
BEN KISSEL
That's not good.
MARCUS PARKS
"A mop that has been dyed black with those little googly eyes glued to it."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
"There are long strings attached to it and they reach up through the ceiling."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He should listen to less Talking Heads.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"Whenever my quote unquote 'wife' moves, she just bounces around and a high pitched voice that sounds nothing like my wife's velvety tones and more like a Muppet often accompanies it. Aubrey and Lisa don't seem to notice anything different. Those are my kids."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I figured.
MARCUS PARKS
"But they're both two years old."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"They're twins."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh good.
BEN KISSEL
That makes sense.
MARCUS PARKS
"So I'm just chalking that up to childhood stupidity."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they're just fucking stupid.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, they're twins.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're fucking stupid.
MARCUS PARKS
Dumb fucking kids.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dumb fucking two year olds.
MARCUS PARKS
So fucking stupid.
BEN KISSEL
They just stare at each other all day.
MARCUS PARKS
They're the dumbest fucking kids on the block.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck these moron kids.
MARCUS PARKS
"This is not my house either."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh man.
MARCUS PARKS
"For one thing, the walls in my house are not colored like a coloring book but instead painted like that of a normal person's house."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you tried listening to James Taylor?
BEN KISSEL
Oh I've seen fire and I've seen rain.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean have you tried to listen to-
MARCUS PARKS
I've seen fire-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's just something calming.
MARCUS PARKS
How do you equate James Taylor? Oh you mean-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Instead of Talking Heads, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
(singing) I've seen fire and I've seen rain.
MARCUS PARKS
Too neurotic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel that yeah, Talking Heads has a bad effect on guys.
BEN KISSEL
Just yesterday morning.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) I know you were gone.
BEN KISSEL
That song is sad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a sad song.
BEN KISSEL
It's about a plane crash.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. "Another thing about this house that's weird-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"Is that all the furniture is hard, even the bed. I cut open a pillow yesterday and found that it was actually a piece of puffed up cardboard."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my gosh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I hadn't received enough emails that do read like this, it would not be as scary.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have seen these emails in our sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Well it seems like this is kind of maybe a setting for...
MARCUS PARKS
"Now I don't know who's doing this but I'm getting fed up."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's David Byrne.
MARCUS PARKS
"I haven't been able to leave the house in three damn days because my damn mop wife keeps blocking the door and saying she wants to spend more time with me. Even sneaking out at night is impossible since the windows seem to be nailed shut, although I haven't seen any nails."
BEN KISSEL
That's the biggest mystery yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
"If this doesn't stop soon, I will do whatever it takes to get myself and the kids out of here."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No father should ever get to the term whatever it takes.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
MARCUS PARKS
Next chapter. "Today-"
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"I pushed my mop wife."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus fucking Christ.
MARCUS PARKS
"I didn't mean to but she forced my hand."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's still your wife.
BEN KISSEL
It's a mop.
MARCUS PARKS
"She was laying on the couch pretending to watch a program on our cardboard television."
BEN KISSEL
I don't...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
"When I asked her why she was doing this to me."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna act all of this out tonight.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Mop life.
MARCUS PARKS
(Muppet voice) "Doing what, honey? She asked."
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow. Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
"And she knew damn well what she was doing. I grabbed her by the handle and shook her, screaming in her face, not seeing anything, just screaming."
BEN KISSEL
Like a mop, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hope she's a mop.
MARCUS PARKS
"Then I shoved her. She flew backwards and landed on the floor. Mop wife then began to cry."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Muppet crying)
BEN KISSEL
That's not good. Not good at all.
MARCUS PARKS
"I ran for the door. The door was unlocked so I opened it and went through it as quickly as possible."
BEN KISSEL
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
Apparently forgetting the fucking stupid kids.
BEN KISSEL
Well they're fine. Twins.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean yeah, they're stupid fucking morons.
MARCUS PARKS
"But I came out in my bedroom, having not left the house at all. Now this can't be a nightmare, it's lasted far too long."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"But now my mop wife won't speak to me."
BEN KISSEL
Oh no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good lord, you're gonna have to talk to you a shovel mistress.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
"And the children seem frightened that daddy will hurt them too. I would never hurt my kids."
BEN KISSEL
Sounds like something that someone's about to hurt their kids would say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he said he would never.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Chapter Three. "Aubrey was replaced yesterday. That's one of my kids."
BEN KISSEL
Yes. It's not that... Yes, there's only three characters. So yeah, I'm caught up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's a fucking idiot anyway.
MARCUS PARKS
"A small dustpan took her place."
BEN KISSEL
Ugh god.
MARCUS PARKS
"She sounds just like her mother."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god, this is just...
MARCUS PARKS
"Only it pretends to speak like a baby."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Goo goo ga ga.
MARCUS PARKS
Goo goo ga ga!
BEN KISSEL
Is this like a janitor's fantasy or something?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It might be.
MARCUS PARKS
"Aubrey could say full sentences before. I've taken to ignoring her and not letting Lisa out of my sight." Lisa's the other kid.
BEN KISSEL
The other kid, of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What a fucking moron.
MARCUS PARKS
"I don't want them to take her too. While mop wife was pretending to cut up chicken for dinner, which meant she was bobbing up and down in front of a cutting board with raw meat and a knife on it, I came up with a plan."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I kinda want to see this show.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna see this show.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's option this.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Because it's not even about the mop or the dust pan, it's about the argument they had.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Chapter Four. "I cut her strings, mop wife's, not dust pan Aubrey's."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"Real or not, I will never hurt my children."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See?
BEN KISSEL
They don't hurt the child. Dust pans don't have strings, do they?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's his kid.
MARCUS PARKS
"She fell to the floor, milk pouring out of her mop strand hair. And the voice shrieked."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Muppet screaming)
BEN KISSEL
Yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
"The house shook and I fell to my knees. Lisa held onto Aubrey and was starting to be lifted into the air. I grabbed them both and pulled them back down as best as I could but whatever was controlling the strings was too strong. All I could do was watch as Lisa and dust pan Aubrey were pulled into the ceiling. I climbed up on a chair and slammed the remains of mop wife against the ceiling, screaming for them to return my children. But it accomplished nothing."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It accomplished nothing.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all apparently.
MARCUS PARKS
"I'm alone now in this cardboard house."
BEN KISSEL
It's like a screwdriver or something. I think this is a screwdriver talking.
MARCUS PARKS
"I've been writing down every possibility. Aliens, government, social experiment, psychotic breakdown. But nothing makes sense."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean if it was to Billy Joel, this might all just be piles of spaghetti.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Also I heard a remake of We Didn't Start The Fire with new modern stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't wanna get into it.
BEN KISSEL
Horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
It sounds awful.
BEN KISSEL
Horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
Sounds awful.
BEN KISSEL
Awful, bro.
MARCUS PARKS
"Whatever had me has abandoned me. The food ran out two days ago and I've been eating cardboard."
BEN KISSEL
All right. I mean maybe he's a bug. Is he like a cockroach? He's a cockroach.
MARCUS PARKS
"I wonder if my real family is in a cardboard house somewhere else. But mostly I regret killing my mop wife."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See I liked Life During Wartime.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a great song. "She wasn't my beautiful wife."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
"But it was better than being alone here."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that shows don't just chase everybody away because even shitty company is company.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right.
BEN KISSEL
Well maybe, maybe. Also Perry Saturn, a wrestler, he had to have an entire storyline involving a mop as punishment.
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah because he hurt somebody in the ring. But that was a great story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I liked that story.
MARCUS PARKS
I love that story, it's a good story.
BEN KISSEL
So what is it? What is the guy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The guy's gone nuts.
MARCUS PARKS
He's just a guy.
BEN KISSEL
Oh he's just crazy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He crazy.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know if he's gone nuts, I think he's just got a mop wife now.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that it sounds like everything stopped becoming real to him but I don't know. I feel like I was waiting for it all to sort of make sense. It didn't but I still like the story.
MARCUS PARKS
I love the story, yeah. I love the story, I liked it.
BEN KISSEL
What did you like about it the most?
MARCUS PARKS
The mop wife.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The mop wife.
BEN KISSEL
The mop wife.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
BEN KISSEL
But what about the kids? What about Lisa? He never even cared about Lisa.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he didn't care about Lisa, she got taken up through the ceiling by the string.
BEN KISSEL
She was with Aubrey?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Aubrey, dust pan Aubrey grabbed onto her-
BEN KISSEL
Lisa. Oh okay. It's like Mission Impossible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like a Pee-wee Herman world.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I love it.
BEN KISSEL
A little bit.
MARCUS PARKS
Except it's not supposed to be a Pee-wee Herman world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
He just wakes up one day, he's got a mop wife.
BEN KISSEL
What if Pee-wee Herman is in hell and this is his reality now?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually really like that concept though.
BEN KISSEL
I don't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For a show.
BEN KISSEL
Pee-wee in hell?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not in real life but in a show would be awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's true. All right, well very scary, strange-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually like that, I like that it's very strange.
MARCUS PARKS
I love that story.
BEN KISSEL
I don't like the idea of cardboard in my pillow.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean it's mostly cardboard anyway.
BEN KISSEL
No it's not. No it's not.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think there's a single-
BEN KISSEL
There's no cardboard. Anyway, move on.
MARCUS PARKS
There's no cardboard in my pillow.
BEN KISSEL
(singing) There ain't no cardboard-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one can see I think you're wrong face. Are we ready? Here we go.
BEN KISSEL
It's like some cover band that does that, We Didn't Start The Fire, but it's like (singing) Cavanaugh, blah blah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd rather be dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh it's awful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll never hear that.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
BEN KISSEL
I was like what the fuck is this? Because I heard the beginning of the song, I was ready to be like (singing) JFK! Nothing.
MARCUS PARKS
That's awful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Literally if that is real-
BEN KISSEL
It is real.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would rather buy Jason Aldean, I'll just buy his whole discography rather than listen to that.
BEN KISSEL
It was horrible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here we go. Casefile: 2Spooky.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
For Too Real.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Submitted by Thomas F Johnson. Too spooky to be funny.
BEN KISSEL
Esquire. Esquire indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) "Crack, crack, crack went the timbers on the pier."
BEN KISSEL
Is it supposed to be sung?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I don't think so.
BEN KISSEL
It's not supposed to be.
MARCUS PARKS
Creepypasta is all about interpretation so he can interpret it however he likes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like in Italy, right, you get a different pasta dish, whether it's Venetian, Tuscan, Sicilian.
BEN KISSEL
Then it could be read crack, crack, crack-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) "Crack, crack, crack went the timbers on the pier as the agent in the hazmat suit stepped off on the..." All right, here we go.
BEN KISSEL
I love that song. That's a hit song.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) "Crack, crack, crack went the timbers on the pier." I don't know the rest of it though.
BEN KISSEL
Spooky.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We still have ads in this episode.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Spooky.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Crack, crack, crack-"
BEN KISSEL
(singing) Went the timbers on the floor!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pier. Okay, okay.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just gonna move on. "As the agent-"
BEN KISSEL
It's too fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, I like it too.
BEN KISSEL
It's like when we were in Scotland and we all started dancing cause we heard fiddle music.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fiddle music.
BEN KISSEL
And we're just like our knees are moving!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, my whiteness just made my spirit alive. "The agent in the hazmat suit stepped off the one person government issued motorboat." (singing) "Flap, flap, flap went the-" Why is he doing this? Why is Thomas F Johnson doing this? Tommy why are you doing it like this? "Flap, flap, flap went the tape marked Do Not Enter: Quarantine being pushed back as the agents-"
BEN KISSEL
Oh this is what I love to hear about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Stepped under to see what the damage was. Hiss went the compressed air to the cattle bolt gun. And his sigh-" It is aggravating.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's extremely aggravating me.
BEN KISSEL
Thomas Johnson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's hard to keep going.
BEN KISSEL
It is a long story you have to get through.
MARCUS PARKS
He's got a style.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god, this is really long. Okay, let's go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And as the sigh as the agents thought at least their deaths will be quick and painless. And shriek went the man dragging himself down the pier, screaming under the weight of the cartoon witch-shaped, head-shaped tumor crushing his spine."
MARCUS PARKS
Big tumor shaped like a witch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So this guy, he's got a tumor shaped like a witch on him, right.
BEN KISSEL
Gotchu.
MARCUS PARKS
And he's a government agent and he's got a cattle gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. The bolt thing.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
A gun's no good.
BEN KISSEL
Like the big boss man used to have.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A gun's no good!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Like the Mounties. Remember them? Tag team. I'm thinking wrestling today.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"The agent looked down, the man was weeping and moaning," like a cuck, "as the great green head tumor cackled mindlessly." (cackling)
BEN KISSEL
It's like Evil Dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It was proper protocol to take out any stragglers on the course to patient zero. He placed the bolt gun to the man's head. He placed the bolt gun to the man's head and mercy was granted. The cacophonous hecatomb became more evident as he stepped into the town of Port Risley, a cartoon Halloween hell out of Bosch, cartoonish spooks growing like great fungal cancer gardens of orange and black and purple."
MARCUS PARKS
It's a Halloween virus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a Halloween virus.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is very Crystal World JG Ballard.
BEN KISSEL
And then also I just realized... Oh, No Country For Old Men, wasn't that the gun that he used?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah that was the pow, pow, pow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Gotcha.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I'mma flip a coin. I'mma flip a coin.
BEN KISSEL
Flip the coin. Flip, flip the coin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Cackling jack-o-lanterns grew out of the sides of buildings like fleshy warts and ghostlike white masses dragged their way out of a sewer as he walked past. A dog was dragged past the agent, howling as the giant goggle eyed spider attached to its head walked down the asphalt." (creaking) (singing) Went the timbers on the pier.
BEN KISSEL
(singing)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Mindlessly drooling pseudo Draculas, pseudo Frankensteins tugged at the cars as they bulbously protruded from, dragging their useless limbs in a way that should not exist. Wow, this is Annihilation meets Spirit Halloween."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yes, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"There were corpses everywhere, of course." Of corpse. Oh my god. "There were corpses everywhere of course."
BEN KISSEL
Corpses everywhere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Colorful blights of spooky cancer crushing pale and bloodless bodies of men, women, and children like piles of Halloween decorations. Almost comical if there weren't so many of them crushed between twitching goblins, mummies, and eyeballs, smothering the faces of the dead, clawing, screaming against sidewalks and edifices of still moving mummies and eyeballs and stretched black cats."
BEN KISSEL
Cool. I want Halloween to come already.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"The agent felt like he was choking on his own heart as they walked through the streets granting bitter mercy to whatever he could, men, women, children, animals. There was no cure for the sickness of the world, no escape, whether as a victim or a watcher. Every step he hoped it might get better and every step he was further gouged in the soul as the baroque Halloween plague continued unstopping. The living amongst them were the worst. A line of huge skeletons merrily danced on streets of tumorous jack-o-lanterns and black cats as the people growing out of them screamed in pain." (screaming)
BEN KISSEL
Wow. Kinda fun though. Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? "A child was dragged by its leg as a huge purple owl flapped and flew from building to building in the same mindless pattern over and over again. A tangle of humans were trapped scalp-first in a meaty rat king of Draculas and Wolfmen as they fought over the scraps of corpses living in the street."
MARCUS PARKS
Corpses living in the street.
BEN KISSEL
Wow. Yeah, don't just yada yada that, that's huge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These corpses-
BEN KISSEL
They're living in the street!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're dead in the street.
BEN KISSEL
No but they're-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If they were living, they'd be out there doing karaoke.
BEN KISSEL
They are!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They'd be telling that girl that they love them but they didn't.
BEN KISSEL
Also speaking of owls, you know Big Boi from Outkast? He has owls.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
And he records with them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's actually very cute.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that cute?
MARCUS PARKS
That's adorable.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"A whole haunted house the size of a port-a-john was dragging itself through the street-"
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Leaving a smear of the wreckage and humanity growing out of it as it went nowhere in particular. All were given mercy as the agent could as he walked towards his destination. A sign reading Cost-Lo Costumes was his destination in the middle of the piles of dying and undying that nearly blotted out the heavens. The brickwork and windowsill barely visible amongst the meat growing from the rancid edifice when he stepped upon it in this heart of this hell. The Halloween core. Everyone can find it in some discount aisle on November 1st, it was growing from that building's walls, moving, howling, hooting, choking, croaking, laughing, cackling, moaning. Every noise you can imagine. Yelling, creaking."
BEN KISSEL
I feel that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Something. Groaning."
BEN KISSEL
Also it is a good reminder, if you do want Halloween decorations for next year-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You get them now.
BEN KISSEL
You get them, no-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just bought a giant animatronic Mars Attacks alien that I'm gonna use in my front yard.
BEN KISSEL
I do love that. But what I was gonna say is you buy them the day after Halloween because then they're on sale.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can buy them early so you get them in.
BEN KISSEL
That's exactly what I was saying. Right now you're actually buying them at peak price.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They run out. They run out.
BEN KISSEL
You bought them at the right time. You didn't get the deal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, they run out! "A ghostlike lump of white pointed at the agent, going ooooh as he went in." Ooooh!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, look at that. That's scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He paid it no mind. The lumps of pumpkin, witch, and skeleton were only denser inside there. With only a few glimpses of musty floorboards and half torn piles of costumes being gnawed upon by mummies and tiny haunted trees. He loves mummies."
BEN KISSEL
He does love mummies.
MARCUS PARKS
He really does love mummies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And the word edifice.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I love mummies too. I think that mummies don't get enough play.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that mummies need to be redone in a way that's for the kids, right. So they gotta have tits and a dick-
BEN KISSEL
I would actually love to discuss this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they need to go to high school and do cocaine.
BEN KISSEL
Can we do the revisionist history with the mummy like we did with the zombie? Can we have fast mummies? Why can't they be fast? I guess The Mummy.
MARCUS PARKS
The Mummy.
BEN KISSEL
But The Mummy didn't... I'm talking about the classic mummy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It shouldn't matter about the speed of the mummy because the curse is all encompassing.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It moves at the speed of curse.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. Faster than sound.
MARCUS PARKS
Which is quite fast.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you're already dead.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Why, the agent thought," is this story continuing?
BEN KISSEL
Why, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Why did you have to do this to yourself, to them? Why didn't you listen? He reached the back door, grabbing the knob and the eyeball growing through it. And inside upon the wall covered in the tumors to the point where it was almost impossible to tell where the tumors began and the human ended, was a man in a shredded cheap magician's outfit with eyes begging for death. Sch-Hello Sch-Marty, the man on the wall slurred, drool coming out of what could only barely be seen as a mouth. A limp wand lay in his right hand, a busted top hat on his head. Hello Frank, the agent said as he walked up with the cattle bolt gun."
BEN KISSEL
So he knew him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he knew him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sch-Marty.
BEN KISSEL
Jesus, Henry.
MARCUS PARKS
His name's Marty.
BEN KISSEL
Henry's drooling.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Sch-Marty... I guessh I went too far thish time. I went too far this time, Marty. The man said. Yes, yes you did, the agent said as he put the cattle bolt gun against what could be faintly discerned as the man's head amongst the pumpkins and tumors. Sch-Marty..."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Please, please kill me."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. At this point, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Please, he breathed. The tumors pulsed as they sounded in hollow, mindless screams. And the agent obliged."
MARCUS PARKS
So you see-
BEN KISSEL
I do not see.
MARCUS PARKS
There was a magician.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And the magician...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did it.
MARCUS PARKS
He did it.
BEN KISSEL
So the magician caused-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A magician named Frank.
BEN KISSEL
A curse in a Halloween Adventure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That knew the one guy named Marty from the CDC-
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who arrived to shoot him in the head.
MARCUS PARKS
Was he from the CDC?
BEN KISSEL
So he was magician.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, I think so. I think it said that.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it never said it was just a one person government... He's from the government but it never said that he was from the CDC.
BEN KISSEL
And to think this all started with (singing) crack, crack, crack-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Went the timbers on the pier-
BEN KISSEL
(singing) As the agent in the hazmat suit stepped off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We were so happy the beginning.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
MARCUS PARKS
We really were, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
So the magician worked there, he made a curse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And then everything came to life and then he had to be shot.
MARCUS PARKS
Well everything began growing out of everything else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right.
MARCUS PARKS
Halloween became tumorous.
BEN KISSEL
Tumorous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do understand, it did grow, it did grow.
BEN KISSEL
I actually think that-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is the point during the show, at this point because every time we do a creepypasta there is somebody out there that is being like you're not taking it seriously!
BEN KISSEL
What are you talking about? That was super serious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is one of those where I feel like they're gonna be like (dweeb voice) um that was actually quite good because as you see, Halloween is a bit of a thought epidemic.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you're like get away from my family.
BEN KISSEL
This Halloween we should all go as people just with normal diseases that will take us all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have cancer.
BEN KISSEL
That's great. Perfect costume. What's your costume? I have cancer. All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just sound like a Libertarian. You know what I mean? Like that thing where you just ruin people's fun.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's cancer. Hardened of the liver. Hardening of the liver. That's my costume this year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am the knight, they call him Cirrhosis.
BEN KISSEL
Bag Lady! That's the name of this next story. Bag Lady by Brian Shadensack. (singing) "The PTA meeting started..." Okay. "The PTA meeting started. Fred Williams, the head of the PTA, stood up. Thank you for attending the monthly... The bag lady interrupted. No one liked the bag lady." Seems to be a different language there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's Latin. "Lupi esurire-"
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, don't help him. Don't help him.
BEN KISSEL
"Lupi esurire et pueris alienis non..." (devolves into gibberish).
MARCUS PARKS
No, no. Give it a real shot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at the letters.
BEN KISSEL
"Lupi."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at the letters. So Latin is easier than you think it is, right.
BEN KISSEL
No it's not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's easy.
BEN KISSEL
They say it's one of the most difficult languages in the world.
MARCUS PARKS
It's one of the most difficult languages to understand.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To understand.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But to read it's just noises. So if you look at the letters-
BEN KISSEL
Lupi-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So yeah, "Lupi..."
BEN KISSEL
"Lupi esurire et pueris alienis non damno et esurientes pascere omnes, et omnia, said the bag lady."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's very good.
MARCUS PARKS
That's very good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like it's the Vatican set at a Piggly Wiggly. But yeah.
BEN KISSEL
So I did that. "Fred Williams, the head of the PTA, bled from the mouth, the nose, the ear, and the eyes." What the fuck? "People wanted to interrupt the bag lady, no one did."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's speaking in Latin, like she's scary. Like she's possessed by a devil.
BEN KISSEL
"In fact, Cynthia Rock, the gym teacher, she rubbed her chest. There was still a staple in her heart from when she interrupted the bag lady."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
From when she interrupted the bag lady.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, that's what I said.
MARCUS PARKS
Last time, last PTA meeting the bag lady apparently stapled her in the chest.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stapled her chest.
MARCUS PARKS
And it was in her heart and they didn't remove it.
BEN KISSEL
I think they understand.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know why in these short stories they give a full name and a role.
MARCUS PARKS
Cynthia Rock, the gym teacher.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cynthia Rock, the gym teacher means nothing.
BEN KISSEL
What do you mean? It means a lot. They're in a PTA meeting.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
So yes. "Nos quoque novus rerum tractare fiscus resuscitatio gymnasium tecto."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You sound like a real rerum reading Latin.
BEN KISSEL
"Continued the bag lady. No one liked the bag lady."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one liked the bag lady, man.
MARCUS PARKS
No one liked the bag lady.
BEN KISSEL
I wish I knew what those curses meant.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean here, I look it up.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. Cause obviously it means gym, we have gymnasium.
MARCUS PARKS
You look up the first one, I'll look up the second one.
BEN KISSEL
I think she actually caused a rupture in her rectum. I think that's what that means.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a burning in my rectum!
BEN KISSEL
There's a rupture in her rectum.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what happened with that manatee.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I know, the one who got fucked to death by the brother.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bag lady, oh this is just says from this thing...
MARCUS PARKS
Oh this is fun. Okay so the second one... Okay, so here's what the bag lady said.
BEN KISSEL
The first one is what?
MARCUS PARKS
The first one the bag lady said 'wolves starve and do not harm strangers' children and feed the hungry all in sundry'. The second one said 'we are also dealing with new things in the fund for the revival of the gymnasium roof'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So that's actually fun.
BEN KISSEL
Oh well that's nice. So the bag lady was just doing nothing but good stuff here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she's just evil.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, she's evil and then she's also adding-
BEN KISSEL
Curses.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's in the meeting.
MARCUS PARKS
She's in the meeting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And adding curses.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, at the same time.
BEN KISSEL
All right, well what a great story. The Big Lady.
MARCUS PARKS
This next one, it's apparently from a series of creepypastas called The Boxes.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
It's by Sam Miller and this one is called Horse Hole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good.
MARCUS PARKS
"A room. The color red. Neighing. I awake. I see a huge thing in front of me. It is freakishly tall with lanky and knobbly legs covered with pinkish skin and sparse hair."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, you want to play me in Madden?
BEN KISSEL
Yes, this is another joke about me. Wow, how creative.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you wanna play Madden?
MARCUS PARKS
"It has a torso-"
BEN KISSEL
You don't wanna play me in Madden, I'll beat you in Madden.
MARCUS PARKS
"It has a torso but it is so far away from me so as to be nigh unnoticeable. Its head, if it even has one, is completely hidden in the reaches of the sky. It bellows. Hello, stranger! If you are to be here, I would recommend being wary of my children. Ah, I have forgotten to introduce myself. I am HORSE."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Um, hi Horse."
MARCUS PARKS
"No, it is HORSE."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Okay, okay. Where are we?"
MARCUS PARKS
"Instead of responding-"
BEN KISSEL
We just gonna do this together?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just saw this and I figured it would help him.
BEN KISSEL
That's kinda cheating a little bit though.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you for helping.
BEN KISSEL
it's kinda cheating a little bit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Why is it cheating?
BEN KISSEL
Because also all of your quotes are in English, by the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You did good!
BEN KISSEL
I wasn't able to have quotes in English.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly you made a lot of those sounds.
MARCUS PARKS
You did good. "Instead of responding, the equine beast simply gallops and leaps over the immense walls of the chamber I'm in, neighing as it goes along."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(neighing)
MARCUS PARKS
"I see a hole in the ground where one of HORSE's hooves was sitting, carved from whatever material the floor is made of. Rough stairs crawl around its circular shape down into the pitch darkness. Since there really isn't any other way out of here, I climb down the circular staircase. Darkness, darkness, darkness, step, step, step, more darkness, more steps."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
BEN KISSEL
Sure. Stairs in the darkness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"Careful. I see a patch of lit steps and continue crawling towards them. A hole dug into the side of the staircase, I see light at the end of it. I crawl into it so that I can have something to do besides keep on crawling downwards and downwards. I crawl up into it and keep on crawling through it."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"I crawl past dirt and roots and worms and things."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is this allegorical?
BEN KISSEL
It's allegorical.
MARCUS PARKS
"A single fat grub falls in front of my face."
BEN KISSEL
Hi, my name is Fat Grub.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, don't be saying that about yourself.
BEN KISSEL
I would like to say I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. But I don't have any bones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
More like pretty hot and tempting.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
"I look down. It has the head of a fat eyed fetal horse."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What is this?
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are we reading?
BEN KISSEL
I don't know. I have no idea what these are.
MARCUS PARKS
"The light at the end of the tunnel-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What is this?
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
This is my taste.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, it's true.
BEN KISSEL
This is what he likes. It's a grub with a fat horse's head.
MARCUS PARKS
"The light at the end of the tunnel gets even closer, I'm crawling to it still and it is beginning to take shape. Indistinct, shadowy, with the exception of the two orbs of light. They are blind white eyes. I crawl forward even further. I can see the thing's head. I can see its great flat teeth."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's a horse.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's just a horse.
MARCUS PARKS
"I can see its pallid and wet skin."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a wet horse.
MARCUS PARKS
"I can see hooves-"
BEN KISSEL
We still don't know where he is though.
MARCUS PARKS
"Poking from under its flabby mask. I get close to it and it lurches while moaning."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning)
BEN KISSEL
Uh oh.
MARCUS PARKS
"A drawn out neigh."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(neighing)
MARCUS PARKS
But it's more moaning.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning)
MARCUS PARKS
"It slowly drags its mass forward, the dirt of the tunnel walls crumbling against the equine mass. I edge away from the immense creature. It speeds up its crawling, its dragging, it nips at my clothing and my skin with its huge chopping teeth. It speeds up, it speeds up. I crawl ever frantically. It's pale and flabby flesh rubs against the dirty surface, tearing at the skin and rending the tongue. It reacts to neither of this."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would never do... I don't like horses.
BEN KISSEL
A lot of these are just about flabby flesh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
"It only continues to crawl at me at an ever increasing speed, ravenously gnashing and nipping and chewing. The pale beast and I get to the edge of the tunnel but it keeps on crawling and crawling and pushing and pushing."
BEN KISSEL
Crawling and crawling, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"The both of us fall from the tunnel, hit the dingy stairs, and fall down the hole. I can see the immensity of the beast now, its white fleshy body worming its way out of the tunnel indefinitely."
BEN KISSEL
Is there any editors for these?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like we are missing parts of the story.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"We fall, we fall."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"We fall."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, Jesus.
BEN KISSEL
You just gotta say it once, I assume you're continuing to fall until you tell me you stopped.
MARCUS PARKS
"We fall."
BEN KISSEL
Just continue to fall.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy wrote this-
BEN KISSEL
Why didn't you just say we're falling-
MARCUS PARKS
"We hit!"
BEN KISSEL
Jesus Christ.
MARCUS PARKS
"Something soft and solid."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I farted. I farted when he did that.
BEN KISSEL
he was scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually was kind of afraid I was gonna poop.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Well it was scary.
MARCUS PARKS
"I get up and I see-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I might need to.
MARCUS PARKS
"The pale thing's whole wormy body is still-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Falling.
BEN KISSEL
Falling. Oh man, all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought it would be crawling.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that is true.
MARCUS PARKS
"The ground is hairy. The ground is meaty. I can see a shape turning about in the distance."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did you read my story, dad? Dad, I left my story out for you to read. Did you read it?
BEN KISSEL
It's really good, really creative.
MARCUS PARKS
"I walked to it."
BEN KISSEL
Come on now. Come on now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Son, actually I was reading it, I actually think you need to describe the falling one more time.
MARCUS PARKS
"It is an immense head of some equine thing. A massive mutant tumor covering the area where its eyes should be-"
BEN KISSEL
Tumors.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of tumors.
MARCUS PARKS
It just happened to be-
BEN KISSEL
It's a tumor week.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tumorish.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a tumor episode. There's a lot of tumors.
BEN KISSEL
Creepypasta XIX, a lot of tumors.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not a tumor. But in this case it is a tumor.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a lot of tumors.
BEN KISSEL
Equerian?
MARCUS PARKS
"The head swivels. It swivels to face me. It bellows. I edge away from the head. I wander in the-"
BEN KISSEL
Edge away from the head.
MARCUS PARKS
"I wander in the horsescape."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Horsescape. I do like, I kind of like this. This horsescape. It's just Netscape filled with shit.
MARCUS PARKS
I love this story so much. "I find more heads, some with similar tumors-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hi.
MARCUS PARKS
"Others with immense bulging eyes."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where's my glasses?
BEN KISSEL
Wow. There's so much more to this story to come too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Welcome to the horsescape. Hope you brought your hoof cleaner.
BEN KISSEL
It's almost just begun. I always carry hoof cleaner with me though. Yes, you never know when you're gonna get lucky.
MARCUS PARKS
"There are even some horses which have fangs rather than the usual flat teeth of a horse."
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really difficult with the oats.
BEN KISSEL
Oh very.
MARCUS PARKS
"I meet a mass of hooves, head nowhere to be found, legs knotted together to form some strange thing. It approaches me and begins to beat in my body. It beats my head in with its flat and hard horse feet, I am powerless to do anything."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"I haven't had any food for days upon days."
BEN KISSEL
Well you were falling, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is why it's so important to vote.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Elections-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they're only as good as the people we put in. So if you're in the horsescape, this is the people, this is the kind of shit that you more responsible for. You need to be boating in the horsescape.
BEN KISSEL
Elections have consequences.
MARCUS PARKS
"The equine mass is too strong and violent for me to eat any meat from the ground."
BEN KISSEL
Don't eat...
MARCUS PARKS
Because remember the ground is-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, yeah, don't eat that.
MARCUS PARKS
Well remember the ground is hairy and made of meat.
BEN KISSEL
Well but you can't trust it.
MARCUS PARKS
You can't trust it.
BEN KISSEL
No, no, definitely not.
MARCUS PARKS
But if you're starving, you're gonna try it.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"My body is broken and bruised and cut and hurt by the mass of hooves and feet. I can do nothing. I am killed and I will rot forever and ever in the void of horses I am in."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So dad, do you think that maybe this will get me a publisher?
BEN KISSEL
I actually think it might work, yeah. I'm well connected.
MARCUS PARKS
"Well it looks like you didn't follow my advice, stranger!"
BEN KISSEL
Oh god.
MARCUS PARKS
"Okay, I could have a use for you now. Billy! The mass of hooves hobbles forward on its many legs."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Son, I like it. Son, have you used your own name in here?
BEN KISSEL
Yep, Billy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's you.
BEN KISSEL
That's why we named you Billy.
MARCUS PARKS
Billy is the mass of hooves.
BEN KISSEL
Oh Billy the hooves. Billy the hoof.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait!
MARCUS PARKS
And that's also my mother's name.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, and your father's.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, my father's name is Bill. "Take the stranger to my room! I must work on them."
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
"Billy the hoof thing-"
BEN KISSEL
Come on now. Here we go.
MARCUS PARKS
"Billy the hoof thing grabs my pallid and weak body with some of its mini legs and drags me away into the darkness. I open my eyes and look down. My hands are not hands."
BEN KISSEL
Are they hooves?
MARCUS PARKS
It's hooves. They're hooves. "Ah, good morning child! HORSE bellows. Would you like to see your new face? A mirror in the shape of a horse-"
BEN KISSEL
Is he gonna have a horse face?
MARCUS PARKS
"A mirror in the shape of a horse is placed in front of me and I see what I look like. Three immense eyes with long lashes gaze at me, placed on a mouthless mutant mass with eight knobbly and lanky awkward legs holding it up. A long tail of meaty quality drags behind me."
BEN KISSEL
Meaty quality.
MARCUS PARKS
"I am a horse!"
BEN KISSEL
Well that's fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You see dad, what was weird is that I gave it to my guidance counselor and what he did was he brought some application in for the grocery store.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it was really bizarre.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's just something about how-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I am a horse.
BEN KISSEL
I am a horse!
MARCUS PARKS
I am a horse.
BEN KISSEL
Well fantastic. But now he can eat.
MARCUS PARKS
Now he can eat. Well he doesn't eat-
BEN KISSEL
Because I think he can eat the ground stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think he needs to eat because I don't know if the horses eat. Well I guess they do eat-
BEN KISSEL
They would have to. I think he can eat the ground stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's horsescape.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like this is a place where maybe we don't know all the physics.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think we know the rules of the horsescape.
BEN KISSEL
I mean I went to that rodeo and I'll tell you one thing, these horses are beautiful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We already went through this.
BEN KISSEL
Horses are gorgeous.
MARCUS PARKS
I love horses.
BEN KISSEL
Stunning creatures.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We did a whole thing on Side Stories where he talked about in an almost erotic sense-
BEN KISSEL
They are gorgeous. Not erotic.
MARCUS PARKS
No, not erotic.
BEN KISSEL
They're beautiful creatures.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I'm exactly on the same page as you, Ben. Horses are absolutely beautiful, beautiful creatures.
BEN KISSEL
And you know what? When you're going 66 MPH, that's horsepower still.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, still.
BEN KISSEL
We still gauge it on horsepower.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You guys are coming at me real hard about how beautiful horses are. And you know what? I think they're nice.
BEN KISSEL
I think you're gonna have to sit on my shoulders at the next rodeo and then you'll say Ben-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ben, look! Ben, it's a horse! Ben, look!
BEN KISSEL
And I'll say that's right, that's the horse.
MARCUS PARKS
When I go back home to Texas, one of the first things I do is I go out and I say hi to the horses.
BEN KISSEL
That's the horses.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I haven't been able to say hi to a horse in a long time and they're so beautiful and so nice.
BEN KISSEL
Put a little hot dog in his mouth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I hope you do. You better read this story to some of the horses.
BEN KISSEL
To the horse.
MARCUS PARKS
To some of the horses.
BEN KISSEL
Oh they're gonna love it.
MARCUS PARKS
Not all of the horses are gonna love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you go up to the main one and do the whole like hello stranger, if you are to be here I would recommend being wary of my children! I forgot to introduce myself, I am HORSE!
BEN KISSEL
They remember him. They remember him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am HORSE.
MARCUS PARKS
They remember me. They do remember me.
BEN KISSEL
I know they do.
MARCUS PARKS
They're wonderful creatures.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, cause they go like-
BEN KISSEL
No asshole is safe. All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How do we continue? I guess we do.
BEN KISSEL
We just have to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We just keep shouldering forward.
BEN KISSEL
It's like the Marines, say the only way through, the only way to finish is through.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This next one, this is Henry's, it's submitted by Rahkshasarani.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Rockshashana. Shaharanak.
MARCUS PARKS
Rahkshasarani.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
It's called The Daddy Face.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah this is called The Daddy Face.
BEN KISSEL
Wow, the daddy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's frowning because dads are always disappointed.
BEN KISSEL
Kinda subconscious stuff here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like this though, I like always when he chooses so that we can peer in.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Into my subconscious?
BEN KISSEL
Oh yes, of course.
MARCUS PARKS
Really?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's amorphous, horse-like creatures, you're talking about your father. Also you're mother's name is Billie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're not the same name.
BEN KISSEL
They're not the same because Bill and Billie are very different names.
MARCUS PARKS
No. My father's name is William, my mother's name is Billie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's Williamina.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. My grandfather's name is also Bill. His name was Billy Wayne.
BEN KISSEL
Billy Wayne!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, Billy Wayne Davis, fabulous comedian.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
First time I met him, I told him my grandfather's name is Billy Wayne. And he said great.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. Well...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here we go.
BEN KISSEL
It's very similar to when we interviewed somebody who was a victim of a serial killer and Henry just said she reminds him of his aunt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean she did look very similar to my aunt.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think that's a bad thing.
BEN KISSEL
No one wants to be like oh you look like my aunt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I didn't say my dead aunt by suicide. I didn't say like my aunt who was all jacked up-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I hated to look at cause I threw up when I looked at her.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. My nice aunt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I liked my aunt.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look, the Reynolds family weren't bad kids. I was in a class with the brother, Randy, and my friend Marcy was in the little sister's class. They never did anything that you'd expect abused children to do. They were pretty much normal, if quiet, kids. What happened to them might've stayed a secret if we didn't start carpooling to school.
BEN KISSEL
Oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This whole thing was written by the gas company.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. The HOV lane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's about sponsoring more drivers of cars.
BEN KISSEL
High occupancy vehicle for anyone wondering.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That wouldn't really make sense because carpooling is bad for the gas industry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'm saying, it's anti carpooling.
MARCUS PARKS
Anti carpooling. Ah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Commentary. "Mr. Reynolds had a station wagon and a greasy mullet. This was the period of time when the 80s were still haunting the nineties, so it wasn't too out of place then. I remember he teased me and Marcy a lot when he picked us up, the kind of teasing adults play off as funny but is really mean."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I remember that, like my buddy that I came up with used to celebrate their own holiday instead of Christmas called Hungarian day because the dad was like all fucked up. But he used to drink a lot.
BEN KISSEL
Was the dad just Hungarian?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was a very bad alcoholic.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I see.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he used to do the old fashioned driving with the beer on his knees.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'd hold his beers for him sometimes.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's kinda nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fun in a way but scary as well.
BEN KISSEL
It is fun in a way but as an adult you're like oh that was probably really sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Very sad. Sad for everyone, yeah. He was a sad man. Sad Hungarian man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I remember he called Marcy Ketchup because of her red hair, which made her face turn red, so he called her Tomato."
BEN KISSEL
I hate this guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"God, I have never seen kids look as uncomfortable as the Reynolds kids were in that car that day. The quiet, funny Randy I knew on the playground was gone. He and his little sister Lillian were frozen in place-"
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's my grandmother's name.
MARCUS PARKS
Lillian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Like rabbits when you open their cage. Randy had the front seat, so that left me and Marcy in the back seat with Lili between us. Of course me and Marcy wanted to talk. We'd been friends forever, since we lived on the same street. We weren't loud or hyper, we were just talking quietly about things we loved. Then Mr. Reynolds asked do you want to be quiet or do you want me to show you the daddy face?"
BEN KISSEL
Ugh god. I hate it.
MARCUS PARKS
He chose to read it like that. He chose to put an erotic spin on it.
BEN KISSEL
I mean honestly though... Do you wanna be quiet or do you want me to show you the daddy face? Either way, it's-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll do it scary, this is me scary. "Do you want to be quiet or do you want me to show you the daddy face?"
BEN KISSEL
It's just so funny. It's scary.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's the thing, that's sinister.
BEN KISSEL
It is scary.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean yes, vaguely sexual but sinister.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. "I never knew much about Mrs. Reynolds. I know she worked a lot. I don't know if she knew what her husband did when she wasn't home, how terrified her kids were of their father. When Mr. Reynolds asked that, his kids immediately started screaming and crying. Lili threw her hands over her ears. Randy just kept begging him no, no. Mr. Reynolds was perfectly calm. He was smiling, like he thought it was funny."
BEN KISSEL
This is the creepiest one yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He repeated the question. Do you want to be quiet or do you want me to show you the daddy face?"
BEN KISSEL
I don't want to see the daddy face.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Marcy and I were very silent. Mr. Reynolds decided that since we didn't answer him, he'd show us anyway."
BEN KISSEL
No, that's what you told us to do is not talk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He took his hands off the steering wheel and put them on his top and bottom jaw, like he was going to rip his face open. His eyes bulged so that they sort of pointed in other directions. Randy kept screaming, begging him not to. Me and Marcy held each other, tears streaming down our faces. Lili had sank down in her seat, arms thrown over her head. Mr. Reynolds made a gagging noise. The station wagon had started drifting over the line, so a horn blast from the semi behind us broke the spell. Mr. Reynolds swore and took his hands off his face and put them back on the steering wheel, still wet with saliva. He dropped us off and bid us a cheery good-bye." See ya kids! See ya tomorrow!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that wasn't horrifying at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Like it had all been a joke. We were grim as a funeral procession all day. I was still in shock when my mom picked me up after school. She asked me what was wrong. I tried to tell her about the daddy face, but I ended up crying right there in the car. Mom was pissed."
BEN KISSEL
I believe that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"She saw Mr. Reynolds pulling up in the station wagon and told me to wait in the car. I screamed after her. I was terrified he would pull the daddy face on her, I didn't even know what it looked like but I didn't want it to happen to my mother. In the distance I saw her approach Mr. Reynolds, I could see her body language as she spoke to him. Mr. Reynolds was dismissive at first, I could see him try to play it off as a joke. Then my mom said something else. Mr. Reynolds shot me a furtive glance. My mom saw. She started back towards the car, shouting at Mr. Reynolds. Mr. Reynolds had taken on a defensive stance, making the same face he'd made when he called Marcy Ketchup. When we pulled out, I could see that the kids had joined him at the car. The tips of Mr. Reynolds' fingers disappeared as he dug them into his son's shoulder. My mom wouldn't tell me the conclusion she'd come to. She just told me not to worry about it as we stopped off for McDonald's."
BEN KISSEL
Oh nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That always cleans up the daddy face.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"She let me get a toy and even a cola, which I normally wasn't allowed. The next day she went to a meeting with the principle. Just her, because Marcy hadn't told her parents, and the Reynolds parents. I don't know the exact outcome, but the Reynolds kids weren't in school the next day. Or ever again. Well, we grew up." Yada, yada, yada.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"But me and Marcy stayed in touch. We weren't super besties, but we were still very good friends, so I guess it was kind of a shock when I found out she'd begun dating Randy Reynolds."
BEN KISSEL
The daddy face guy?
MARCUS PARKS
No, the son.
BEN KISSEL
The son.
MARCUS PARKS
The son of the daddy face.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"She'd run into him again, and he'd grown up rather nicely. He was polite, funny, and respectful, everything his dad wasn't. Marcy had been afraid to tell me, because there was still something closed-off about Randy that frightened her a little. She got to know him pretty well. Parents divorced, dad fucked off to parts unknown, little sister studying to be a beautician. She dated him for three months before she told me. In all that time, she never asked about the incident in the car. But finally, one night, he looked at her and sighed. You want to know about it, don't you?"
BEN KISSEL
Oh no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"The daddy face. Marcy didn't answer. Randy said it was something only his dad could do, and he only did it to people who couldn't tell about it. His kids. An old homeless guy who promptly pissed himself and had a stroke on the spot. A poor waitress who had given him milk instead of half-and-half. But the worst part, Randy said, the very worst part, was that it was genetic. He hadn't dated too much. He was afraid to get close to anyone because he was afraid of himself. And if Marcy wanted to see it, really wanted to see it, he would show her. I know she said yes, even if she never outright admitted it, because Randy wasn't like his dad. He wouldn't spring that on someone without asking. Marcy doesn't remember the face. She blacked out and when she came to, Randy was gone. He stopped answering his phone, stopped going to their hangouts, and basically just disappeared from her life. Marcy still can't see too well out of her left side, and sometimes she gets these bright flashes even when it's dark outside. As bad as I feel for her, I think I feel worse for the Reynolds kids. Because she only had to see it once."
BEN KISSEL
Wow! The Daddy Face!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was good.
BEN KISSEL
But what was the face?
MARCUS PARKS
I knew you wanted a scary one so I gave you a scary one.
BEN KISSEL
What was the face?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Daddy face.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, daddy face.
BEN KISSEL
But what was the face?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna do the daddy face right now. The audience can't see.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna do the daddy face right now.
BEN KISSEL
Let's see. Sleeping while watching old sports videos.
MARCUS PARKS
Golf. I'm gonna say golf.
BEN KISSEL
Golf.
MARCUS PARKS
That's a Saturday afternoon golf.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wasn't asleep, I was resting my eyes
BEN KISSEL
There you go! That's actually great daddy face.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's a good daddy face story.
BEN KISSEL
That is scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a scary one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. That's a good one.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, we all know that face.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause it's the same as the Dan Ackroyd from the top of the Twilight Zone movie being like you want to see something really scary?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. All right. Well this one is called The Goat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! It's about Tom Brady.
BEN KISSEL
Tom Brady! Michael Jordan! This is submitted by James B Davis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Isn't Tom Brady the only one with officially the nickname the GOAT?
BEN KISSEL
Nah, whatever. It's whoever you wanna make it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, people call everything-
BEN KISSEL
Jack Nicklaus, with golf, he's the GOAT.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's the Golden Bear.
BEN KISSEL
Tiger Woods is the GOAT.
MARCUS PARKS
They say Lebron, they call him the GOAT.
BEN KISSEL
Well they call him the king.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's kinda like king, he's the King James.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh the guy who was in the helicopter crash, he's the GOAT, right?
BEN KISSEL
Kobe, greatest of all time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But no, he's Mamba.
BEN KISSEL
But technically it is Michael Jordan. Anyway, let's do this here. The Goat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's me, that's mine. I'm getting masculine. We might see baseball tonight.
BEN KISSEL
Maybe. Also it's Hello Kitty bobblehead night.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually don't really wanna go. I don't wanna see that.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. All right. Submitted by James B Davis, The Goat.
MARCUS PARKS
Ooh, Jim Davis.
BEN KISSEL
Is this Jim Davis? The Jim Davis?
MARCUS PARKS
I think this is the Jim Davis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep, this definitely-
BEN KISSEL
From Garfield?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I always thought the creator of Garfield, he always goes onto weird obscure creepypasta forums and posts stories for free.
BEN KISSEL
I wouldn't be surprised. You know my brother wrote him and Jim Davis wrote back.
MARCUS PARKS
That's adorable.
BEN KISSEL
It took like two years, my brother was already out of Garfield at the time but he still framed it. And that was very nice. That was back when you had to write letters.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
I wrote a letter to Michael Jordan once.
BEN KISSEL
And he got back to you!
MARCUS PARKS
Well a representative got back to me-
BEN KISSEL
That's huge.
MARCUS PARKS
With a printed off 8x10 glossy that had an autograph printed on the paper.
BEN KISSEL
That's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
I actually cherished it throughout my childhood.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Somewhere within the Michael Jordan administration saw your name one time.
BEN KISSEL
You were recognized.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup. Yup.
BEN KISSEL
Yup. Honestly. All right, here we go. The Goat. "I have a hard time telling this story. It's a very hard part of my life that I am not completely over." Well you know buddy, just go to therapy or whatever. Anyways. "I don't think a person could ever get over it. I'm sure that you will understand why soon enough. Although you'll probably just think I'm insane."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're fucking nuts!
BEN KISSEL
Wow. "I live on a farm in Mexico. We have a lot of livestock and we have to deal with a lot wolves and coyotes and I'm pretty used to dealing with them. So I really had no real expectations of anything too extreme on that night. It was a normal night. It was common for us to hear the goats scream because as I said, there were a lot of wolves, so I was told to go out and check on the barn. Armed with a shotgun, I walked out to the barn."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He sounds like a man who does color commentary for baseball games who's had a stroke and now he just reads creepypasta.
BEN KISSEL
There you go. "I could hear a loud slurping sound and the sound of a goat. I looked in to see a terrible sight. On top of the goat was a somewhat reptilian creature with large spines on its back."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's chupacabra.
MARCUS PARKS
It's chupacabra, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
"It's head was like that of a dog but with massive fangs that dug down into the goat's neck, it's scales were a bio-lumee-nescent-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bioluminescent.
MARCUS PARKS
Bioluminescent.
BEN KISSEL
"Bioluminescent green and blue, it's ears were long and pointed, it had a somewhat humanoid stance, and its eyes were a vibrant glowing purple."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So this is like an exaggerated chupacabra but I do like the imagery.
MARCUS PARKS
It's chupacabra.
BEN KISSEL
If it's a chupacabra.
MARCUS PARKS
It is a chupacabra with a twist, you just wait. You just wait, there's a twist coming.
BEN KISSEL
"I cocked the shotgun and the creature looked up and me and hissed. It's teeth were covered in blood that dribbled down its chin. The terrible thing's horrid smell... I looked down at the goat and my eyes welled up with tears as he looked into my eyes. The goat's head then lifted up and smiled. It's okay, John, I like it."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
BEN KISSEL
So the goat's fine with it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why did the goat say that? Why could the goat talk?
BEN KISSEL
It's okay, John, I like it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why isn't it being like help me, then?
BEN KISSEL
No, he likes it. The goat's fine, the goat's not dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is he always talking?
BEN KISSEL
The goat's not dead. It's a goat!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I actually like that. So the chupacabra and the goat are kinda symbiotic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's okay, John, I like it.
BEN KISSEL
I like it, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's the twist is that the goat also talks. Cause that's a double mindfuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god, this thing's talking.
MARCUS PARKS
Cause he sees the chupacabra's real and then also not only does my goat talk, but my goat knows my name.
BEN KISSEL
And it likes having blood drunk from it. Because some people do have the vampire fetish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We know that. But mostly I think it's mostly got to go with living in New Orleans and wearing a corset.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it could be. Could be. A lot of blood up there. All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this one, this is another one by Thomas F Johnson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're bringing him back?
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't mind him. I imagine if I met him as a man-
BEN KISSEL
No, no.
MARCUS PARKS
I'd enjoy him. Yeah. This one's called Mimesis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mimesis.
MARCUS PARKS
Mimesis. "Okay, so a bit of background. I live in this dogshit neighborhood, wrong side of town in a small city. Most of the low-wage jobs dried up after the factory left for god knows where, so all we got left are call centers and serving in gentrification land."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Cause we're living here in Allentown.
MARCUS PARKS
"I live in a shitty apartment with my mom, the streets are broken down, I go to community college, I don't got a car, most people don't, so I mostly walk and take the bus."
BEN KISSEL
Okay, nothing wrong with that. Living a good life.
MARCUS PARKS
"Weird shit happens sometimes."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It always does!
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
"As is usual for what happens when you're in poverty town."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
"But this is some weird beyond weird shit, like horror movie weird shit. And since I've been hearing some other shit from other people online, I thought I might as well share my story. The first of them anyway."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Frank? Is that you, Frank?
BEN KISSEL
Kill me!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kill me!
MARCUS PARKS
"So I'm coming home from getting milk at the Food City when suddenly a plastic bag starts blowing in the wind."
BEN KISSEL
Okay, let's not get American Beauty on this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's nice.
MARCUS PARKS
"Fluttering up and about like they usually. At first I'm all like big deal, I see lots of plastic bags in this part of town, big deal."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, trash birds.
MARCUS PARKS
"Then it starts following me. I think that's sort of unusual. So I start walking a little bit faster, nothing unusual, just me being the kind of superstitious you get when that reptile part of your brain starts ticking. But then, you see, it speeds up too."
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow, interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
"It looks like it's fluttering harder, even though the wind doesn't seem to be getting any higher. And it hits me on the leg. This would be okay in any normal day, a minor spook, a little laugh, then back home with the milk."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, they're gonna like that. You get cereal or...?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bags and bags and bags of milk.
BEN KISSEL
Just pure milk. Remember bagged milk? Yeah, I remember that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, it's Canadian.
MARCUS PARKS
But then I feel like my leg's on fucking fire. And I look down and I see this bag clinging straight onto my leg, letting out some kinda liquid."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(slurping)
MARCUS PARKS
"But it doesn't look like a bag quite up close. So I take out my knife, the switchblade I keep because hey, again, bad neighborhood."
BEN KISSEL
You're gonna want your switchblade, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"And I cut it off. It doesn't scream, it doesn't squeal, it barely slows down when I cut it, releasing some sort of sticky clearish stuff. I cut through it part of the ways, it hangs on even tighter. I finally pry it off, it crumples in on itself in a soggy heap. I go a bit closer to it. It twitches. It smells like vinegar and piss."
BEN KISSEL
Maybe it's a salt and vinegar bag.
MARCUS PARKS
"I retch a little as I poke it with the knife. It twitches a bit more. It looks more like a jellyfish than a bag up close, though I've only really seen them in pictures."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I haven't seen a jellyfish up close!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We can't even think about going on vacation!
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've only seen a picture of a beach chair! I've never even sat on one.
BEN KISSEL
Makes sense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Only hard chairs, hard chairs made out of hard wood.
BEN KISSEL
Makes sense.
MARCUS PARKS
"The logo looks blurry like the markings on an animal. I look down at my leg. It's bleeding. I think I'm going to be late coming home with the milk. Then I hear me this soft wet rustling in the distance."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(whispering) Hey, hey, hey.
MARCUS PARKS
"I look behind me. It's a whole bunch of plastic bags coming my way."
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
"In a very familiar manner."
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
"I run of course but they just keep catching up. Run through alleys to lose them? They just keep following me. Climb up a telephone pole? They follow me up. Jump a fence and hide in a pool? They swim across the water even faster."
BEN KISSEL
Wow, he's doing a lot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Frank?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, he's very athletic.
MARCUS PARKS
"Jump in the old abandoned shed and bar up the door, THEY CRAWL IN THE GAPS IN THE FUCKING WINDOWS!"
BEN KISSEL
I would just go home I think.
MARCUS PARKS
"After that I was pretty much stuck, well past my neck of the woods, still running, barely breathing, just me, the road, the roadkill, the desert, and the bags."
BEN KISSEL
And milk.
MARCUS PARKS
"I saw them coming towards me. God, I could smell the roadkill across from me. I could smell them coming towards me. The scents mingled like an acidic necrotic wound. Then a jaw darted out from one of the things of roadkill, towards a bag from the side. Like one of those alien mouth thingies but longer and like a set of gums with gingivitis."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(gagging)
BEN KISSEL
Oh my.
MARCUS PARKS
"I looked at where the mouth came from. It was a pile of roadkill, looked like a cougar or maybe a horse."
BEN KISSEL
Maybe a horse. No, I'm so sick of horses.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No more horses.
MARCUS PARKS
"Maybe a few javelinas, maybe just a big slab of meat that looked like something sort of like a big rotten mammal carcass. It reared up on huge slimy legs, like crab legs."
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
"The jaws were chewing on the bag carcass." You know the bag?
BEN KISSEL
Yes, I remember the bag.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes, yep. Yep.
BEN KISSEL
I thought the bags were gonna be more like villains but it seems like they're just food.
MARCUS PARKS
"It scuttled towards the other bags. Big rotten holes opened up in its sides and more jaws came out, snatching at them and chewing. It only got a few before the rest fluttered away, bobbing and frippling like the sad little sheets of plastic they looked like. It gave me hope for a moment. But then it finished wolfing the things down. Made short work of them in fact."
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"And it turned towards me and started scuttling. I backed away. And then I noticed something. I'd been so occupied with the chase before-"
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"That I hadn't noticed that it looked like there were two suns in the sky. And that one of them was getting closer and closer. Glowing needles were coming off it as it opened wide right behind the roadkill jaw. Law of the jungle says there's always a bigger fish."
BEN KISSEL
Well now that is just absolutely fascinating. So law of the jungle, now he wasn't in the jungle, he was actually in a small town. No word on how the milk is doing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What happened to him?
BEN KISSEL
I actually think that this man should never write again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like-
BEN KISSEL
Thomas F Johnson, I love you Thomas but-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like Thomas.
MARCUS PARKS
I feel like Thomas Johnson has a wonderful imagination. I love this stream of consciousness writing. I think he's a great writer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do too. I honestly like his tone.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's unique.
BEN KISSEL
Law of the jungle says there's always a bigger fish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It kind of reminds me of, I mean it's a big jump, but he does remind me a little bit of Paul Delaney, what's his name? The guy that wrote Babel-17, right.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's got a bit of a Cronenberg thing going on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's got a little bit of, is it Paul? Yeah, was it Paul Delaney? Who's the author? Who's the guy that...
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
ROB OKEY
Samuel R Delany.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. Yes, Rob, yes.
BEN KISSEL
Samuel R Delany. All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he wrote a couple of these. Here we go, let me do this.
MARCUS PARKS
Also I'd say law of the jungle, it's not really the law... There's always a bigger fish is the law of the ocean.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, yeah. Well yes. Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the law of the jungle but it's still-
BEN KISSEL
It actually isn't, to your point, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, to my point.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
The law of the ocean is that there's always a bigger fish.
BEN KISSEL
But law of the jungle is there's always a bigger threat maybe.
MARCUS PARKS
Lion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's the predatory nature of the jungle.
MARCUS PARKS
No, lions aren't in the jungle.
BEN KISSEL
Lions are pretty much pretty top.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bigger fish to fry.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're more of a Serengeti, they're not jungle animals.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
MARCUS PARKS
Tiger. Always a bigger tiger perhaps.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. Perhaps. Yes, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's kill or be killed.
BEN KISSEL
That's also the law of the jungle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the law of the jungle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Although I did-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The law of the ocean is hey, hey, don't pee in me.
BEN KISSEL
Nah, not in me. You know what I did see? There was a cute video of a rhinoceros helping a hippo pick it's teeth with the rhinoceros' horn.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. That's fun.
BEN KISSEL
Sometimes they fight, sometimes they play.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey man, as long as you're watching peace instead of war.
BEN KISSEL
Yep. It's very funny.
ROB OKEY
The Law of the jungle is actually anything goes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anything goes is the law of the jungle? That's what Rob says, but actually that kind of creeps me out. That feels like everybody's coming and fucking-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, not anything goes in the jungle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well actually, you know what?
BEN KISSEL
You can't kiss a tiger.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a great segue because if the law of the jungle is that anything goes... (singing) Anything goes!
BEN KISSEL
I don't think that's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That maybe-
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think so.
BEN KISSEL
I think that's the law of like North Dakota.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anything, my good friend. Broadway!
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But we do have a tradition here. I want to say thank you for that last story, Marcus.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What you put together here was absolutely fantastic.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you.
BEN KISSEL
I learned how to speak Latin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You did.
BEN KISSEL
We learned about horses, we learned about the daddy face. We've learned...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, we did.
BEN KISSEL
Be careful on the piers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We did. And I would go through all of these weird ass things I learned on 4Chan but I'm gonna just gonna straight up say they are really fucking boring.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There are a couple of ones that was interesting. I don't know if you've heard about Lost Boy Larry.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope.
BEN KISSEL
Nope.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is like a true story of a little kid that showed up on a CB radio in the 1970s.
BEN KISSEL
Oh it's a real story?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a real story. Well they said officially that it's a hoax but there was a kid's voice over the CB radio that was begging for help and there was a two month long search for this little boy.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And nothing came out of it.
BEN KISSEL
Honestly if you're a kid though, that is a funny hoax.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was, it was.
MARCUS PARKS
It really is.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah because when you're a kid you're just like this is gonna be hilarious, they're gonna think I'm dead. And as an adult you're like that wasn't very funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's also an entire website called arnoldheight.com that is talking about there is a massive discrepancy about the actual physical height of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And there's a fight about how-
BEN KISSEL
How is there a massive discrepancy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he has said that he's 6'3".
BEN KISSEL
He's not 6'3".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was once measured at a thing where he was 6'5".
BEN KISSEL
Right. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then another guy said well technically it was at the end of the day when he measured him but technically they believe that you're actually shorter at the end of the day than you were at the top of the day because-
MARCUS PARKS
Three inches shorter.
BEN KISSEL
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Three inches shorter.
BEN KISSEL
No, no. I know that is true, that's what they say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's literally an entire website-
BEN KISSEL
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That you should look at.
BEN KISSEL
He's in his 70s, I bet you he's 5'11".
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. At this point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now.
BEN KISSEL
Because he shrunk down. He was never 6'3". That is a lie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was his lie.
BEN KISSEL
But I think he was like 6'1".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was his lie.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. 6'1".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I will say I also got real deep into Phantom Kangaroos.
MARCUS PARKS
I understand.
BEN KISSEL
Well maybe next time. The next Creepypasta is around Halloween, I believe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh we're definitely, I want to do a listenerpasta, we're gonna do all that. But that's why again we have a tradition here and in the spirit of (singing) anything goes! I have to read through at least a chunk of this sadly by contract. Because I feel the one thing about this is that it's not really like... How do I put it? Like when it comes to cryptid erotica-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're getting to sort of like, how do I say it? Almost a lazy place.
BEN KISSEL
We've been talking about this for the past five years.
MARCUS PARKS
Very much so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kind of a lazy place.
MARCUS PARKS
If we can compare cryptid erotica to grunge right now, we're in Matchbox 20.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're in a bit of a Matchbox 20.
BEN KISSEL
Oh well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I have no problem with these incredible artist putting together these stories. I know how hard it is to write.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I'm just saying let's dig a little deeper because I started reading... I had somebody while we were doing the Mothman series-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Someone sent me this book that they said oh Henry, you'll love this, right.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're gonna love this book, it's called 'Bisexual Mothman Mailman Makes a Special Delivery in our Butts'.
BEN KISSEL
Oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I was looking at it and honestly, number one, it's lazy.
BEN KISSEL
Why?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because when it starts, the beginning of it-
BEN KISSEL
Is it not appropriate to the Mothman lore?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I read this whole thing, I read this whole thing and it starts with a couple, right, and they're talking like new neighborhood, blah, blah, blah, they love their mailman.
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One day the mailman doesn't show up. Their normal mailman is replaced by what can only be described as a Mothman. So right here, so "Standing before me is a mailman that I didn't recognize. We've had Noah delivering packages for the last six years that we've lived in this home but it appears something has happened because the guy standing before me is certainly not Noah."
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Instead I'm faced with a muscular Mothman, the creature covered in grayish white hair and sporting a large pair of wings fold against his back, his eyes are huge and glowing, placed lower than one might expect and giving the rare crypt a distinct appearance as though his head was actually positioned somewhere deep within his muscular chest."
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
BEN KISSEL
Is the mail still being delivered on time?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Well then that's fine.
MARCUS PARKS
That's fine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No but I don't, again-
BEN KISSEL
Do one sentence of cock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Mothman...
BEN KISSEL
How big is its cock?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But when it comes to work, right, the Mothman, he's gonna be a mailman? I love our mailmen community and mailwomen.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Groups.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you mail people.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
That's a fantastic job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mail humans. But with Mothman-
BEN KISSEL
Why wouldn't Mothman do it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess they're saying it's about its wings but he doesn't use his wings to really travel, he more transports. And again, he's a harbinger of doom and unless a mailman is just delivering bills-
BEN KISSEL
That's all that mail is. I hate mail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I love my packages!
BEN KISSEL
I hate mail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You get your shoes in the mail.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you get your shoes.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. Oh the exciting world of mail. We could talk about it all...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll talk.
MARCUS PARKS
All sorts of things you get in the mail.
BEN KISSEL
Forget about creepypastas.
MARCUS PARKS
I get my Discogs orders in the mail.
BEN KISSEL
You can get human teeth in the mail, you can get toe clippings in the mail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, back to 'Bisexual Mothman Mailman Makes a Special Delivery in our Butts'.
BEN KISSEL
All right, just get to the size of the cock. We gotta wrap it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here we go. So he says here, "He's dressed quite conservatively in a typical male carrier's uniform but the cut of his pants hung just right above the Mothman's perfectly toned rump."
BEN KISSEL
Rump, good.
MARCUS PARKS
Rump.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We got this thing, it's titled... So this guy was talking about his book, the guy in this story is an author and he wrote a book called 'Bisexual Buckaroos: Seven Bi Group Encounters in the Tingleverse', right.
MARCUS PARKS
Which I get, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So this is Chuck Tingle, I think he might be doing... Chuck Tingle also wrote a book called 'Pounded in the Butt by My Handsome Sentient Library Card Who Seems Otherworldly but in Reality is a Natural Part of the Priceless Resources our Library System Provides' which is very funny.
MARCUS PARKS
That's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's just a very funny guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Oh yeah, very much so. No, Chuck Tingle's got a thing.
BEN KISSEL
Tingle, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But I would say is that if you're writing an erotic cryptid story, don't write-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or lore.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. What's that? If you're writing one, don't write an erotic story that has Mothman in it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Well okay.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no. Don't write an erotic story that has Mothman in it, write a Mothman story that happens to be erotic.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the thing right here, he starts at the top. She's like oh what's your name? And he says that's all right, my name's Indrid. So that's one piece of lore.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean that's lore, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's lore, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But I'm talking story.
BEN KISSEL
What's the cock size on the Mothman?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, let's just get in here.
BEN KISSEL
Just jump right in here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here we go, all right.
MARCUS PARKS
What's the theme?
BEN KISSEL
How big is its cock?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh here we go. All right. "Handsome cryptid reaches down and begins to unbutton my jeans, eventually tugging them down and allowing my swollen cock to spring forth in all its glory."
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Indrid gasps.
BEN KISSEL
That's his cock, what's the Mothman's cock?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the thing about the Mothman cock again, it's like why is he gasping? He's been fucking and sucking for so long.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like he could just be... You're a Mothman mailman, you've been having sex with the neighbor.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. "Now next thing I know the hands of Mothman has opened his mouth wide and taking my rock hard dick between his lips, slowly pumping his face up and down across the length of my shaft. I lean my head back and I let out a long satisfied groan."
MARCUS PARKS
And nothing about this is Mothman.
BEN KISSEL
No, this is not about Mothman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where is the Mothman in this?
BEN KISSEL
Why is he fellatioing the Mothman?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"My two lovers begin to pass my shaft back and forth with his wife, sometimes dragging their tongues along my length and sucking me off with frantic enthusiasm."
BEN KISSEL
All right, it's too self focused.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Before Ivy opens her mouth wide and takes my cock between her lips, pushing her face further down on my shaft deeper and deeper, she glides... Here we go. All right. So where's his dick? It fits perfect. Okay. "I take my hand on the back of my wife's head..." No, not that part. There we go. He grabs the guy's dick, "He places my new cock ring over the end of it. He slides the rubber circle all the way down to the base. He moves back and forth."
BEN KISSEL
What's the Mothman's dick?!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now let's take it for a test drive in my ass, the cryptid says.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness gracious.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pulling the fabric away... All right. "Chill to the form, Indrid is completely naked." All right, now where's the dick? All right, I'm looking for this dick.
BEN KISSEL
Please god, that's all we need.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Now he reaches back and he gives his rear a playful slap, gripping his butt tightly with one hand and spreading himself open."
BEN KISSEL
Tight butt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"What are you waiting for? Indrid coos. Come fuck this tight Mothman ass. You heard him! My wife chimes enthusiastically." All right. "Mothman braces himself against me so my cock can plunge deeper into his asshole."
BEN KISSEL
Just yada, yada, yada, get to his cock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, this is asshole.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's just his asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Keep fucking me, keep fucking me! The Mothman groans.
BEN KISSEL
Pump pump pump pump.
MARCUS PARKS
You think there'd be something special about the Mothman's asshole. "I opened up his wide starfish-"
BEN KISSEL
Butterfly-like...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want something unique. We've all got buttholes.
BEN KISSEL
All right, two more sentences, we gotta get to the...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the wife puts on a strap-on and starts fucking him while he's fucking the Mothman.
BEN KISSEL
I don't care, Henry. What's the Mothman's dick?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Bucking against each other-"
BEN KISSEL
Oh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Our bodies slamming in a perfectly performed polyrhythmic dance. We begin loudly moan in a chorus of ecstasy. I'm so close, everybody comes."
BEN KISSEL
How does the Mothman come?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Instead of my dick fucking Indrid, the muscular cryptid is now preparing himself to plow away at me. My wife on the other hand has slipped around and laying out on her back with her legs- "
BEN KISSEL
Get to the Mothman's dick.
MARCUS PARKS
This is just an erotic story. You could put the name Steve in place of Mothman and be Steve the mailman.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Steve the bisexual mailman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the closest we have. "Suddenly the Mothman enters me from behind and causes my breath to catch in my throat. I thought my wife's strapon was big but this is another level entirely."
BEN KISSEL
Okay, so it's large.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Indrid's cock is a force to be reckoned with and I'm lucky I've been significantly warmed up.
BEN KISSEL
I wanted a categorization.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanted feathers.
BEN KISSEL
I want the veins, I want how big is the head? How big is the hole? How much spurts coming out?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again it's like Passover. How is this night different than any other night?
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like what do we bringing here?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are we doing?
BEN KISSEL
What are we bringing?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you can seriously do ctrl-F and replace with anything.
BEN KISSEL
I agree with you, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
And it would just be... Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is not slandering Chuck Tingle.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To me this is more about like just take it. We've read a lot of this stuff.
BEN KISSEL
What about the Loch Ness Monster? The Flatwoods Monster?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's some.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Come on.
MARCUS PARKS
Something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We talked about with Bigfoot, the U turn dick was special because it was neutrinos.
MARCUS PARKS
It really was.
BEN KISSEL
It was big, it was big.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It explained quantum mechanics in a way that was easily understandable for people that are horny.
BEN KISSEL
True, true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? So this is something. So again, let's dig deeper.
MARCUS PARKS
I say let's dig deeper, yeah. Because we're gonna definitely gonna be taking some cryptid erotica submissions in the future.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
So please-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please.
MARCUS PARKS
Please start working on it now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mr. Tingle, I'll pay you my damn self to write a good... Show up with one.
MARCUS PARKS
But remember you're writing a cryptid story that happens to be erotic, not an erotic story that features a cryptid.
BEN KISSEL
All right, powerful lessons here. Every creepypasta you learn something, don't you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Even if it's just to not listen to creepypastas.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Thank you all so much for listening.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is so much fun. We got a story we've been wanting to tell for a long time is coming up next week. It is an American true crime story.
MARCUS PARKS
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That I think you're gonna like. I think you're gonna like it. And if you like gaping now, you're definitely gonna like gaping later.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. If you like big cocks, this story is for you.
BEN KISSEL
All right, also go to our website lastpodcastnetwork.com or lastpodcastontheleft.com and check out all the tour dates we have coming up and things.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. 9/23 we have Murderfist at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have 10/22 at The Balboa in San Diego. The entire LPN force will be as one doing shows for you. And 11/4-
BEN KISSEL
There we go, I always forget it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In Los Angeles, The Palace, Last Podcast on the Left Live.
BEN KISSEL
And thank you all so much for all that watched our 12 hour Grindhouse sub-a-thon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And by this point it has been released on Twitch, so go check it out.
BEN KISSEL
So go enjoy that, please.
MARCUS PARKS
Go check it out.
BEN KISSEL
We did our best.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, absolutely. If you want to see the whole thing start with a synth suite that I composed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's good.
BEN KISSEL
It's very good.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you, thank you. Well I mean I took, I borrowed, but I think it's still good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again good artists borrow, great artists steal.
MARCUS PARKS
I stole two pieces of music very blatantly.
BEN KISSEL
Wow. How brave. All right everyone, hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail me, you fucker!
BEN KISSEL
Don't fuck a horse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't fuck a horse.
BEN KISSEL
Please god.
MARCUS PARKS
Please, please.
BEN KISSEL
We've learned a lot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am HORSE.
MARCUS PARKS
But you know what's interesting is that you say don't fuck a horse, but there was never anything in any of those stories about having sex with the horse at all.
BEN KISSEL
It was alluded to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was mixed up. He's got dick on the brain.
BEN KISSEL
I do have dick on the brain. I gotta go to the doctor later.