HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, ready?
BEN KISSEL
Yaaas.
MARCUS PARKS
Yaaas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning) Wait a second, is that a ghost?
BEN KISSEL
Whoa. Horny ghost.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh boy. (moaning)
BEN KISSEL
Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What a scary ghost.
BEN KISSEL
Crazy ghost.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning) Scary. Oh no, it's just me after eating a cheese and pickle toastie at 2AM. You did it though. I'm stealing your story but I'm also having some pretty British dumps recently.
BEN KISSEL
You had a cheese and pickle toastie at 2AM yesterday?
MARCUS PARKS
I had a cheese and pickle toastie at 2AM last night.
BEN KISSEL
What were you thinking, man?
MARCUS PARKS
I was thinking I love cheese and I love pickles and I love Scotland, so let me see how it all comes together. And you know how it comes together? A dump that smells like ammonia.
BEN KISSEL
I believe it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have not had, I mean we're starting the episode hardcore.
BEN KISSEL
As always.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But listen, you have to understand, I have not had a dump darker than a light tan in about five days.
BEN KISSEL
Oh great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I don't know if that's just the lack of calcium, I don't know what I'm missing out of my dump.
BEN KISSEL
I'll google it and see what that means, don't worry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. (moaning)
BEN KISSEL
Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left everyone. This is a very haunted episode. Of course we're recording live, not dead from Edinburgh, the most haunted land around. Ben, Henry, and Marcus hanging out. Today's episode, it's gonna be spooky spaghetti, it's creepypasta. I hope you like naughty gnocchi.
MARCUS PARKS
Naughty gnocchi.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah sure. Yeah, you could say that. You can say that. That sounds more like pornography. We'll get to that.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I'm sure you'll find a way to shoehorn it in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have quite the surprise for you, my friend.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you. And the person I said before the show, joke of the day gets this large bottle of Irn- Bru.
MARCUS PARKS
It's 'iron brew'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eern-brew'.
MARCUS PARKS
You guys are just saying it wrong on purpose and I know you are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ern-brew'.
BEN KISSEL
And it's orange and it looks like cancer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is. But it's a delicious cancer, it's more delicious than I remember it being. But it's also less fragrant and maybe that's why. I found apparently I'm the traitor because they've lessened the potency of Irn-Bru.
BEN KISSEL
They have, yeah. And it's because I didn't realize we mentioned Jamie Oliver's name at the show in Edinburgh last night, they got a round of boos because he's the reason they took the sugar out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that unbelievable?
MARCUS PARKS
It's awful, it's absolutely awful. I can't believe it. But apparently there's Irn-Bru 1901, so I'm gonna try some of that later today.
BEN KISSEL
That's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It just sounds like, you know, they do that tequila, they make it fancy by naming a time when white people showed up and took over. You know what I mean? Now it's fancy.
BEN KISSEL
I want syphilis 1776.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But we're in the mood, man. We're in the spooky ass mood, it's Edinburgh. I've been out down in the vaults. Remember how this entire city is built on a pile of bones.
BEN KISSEL
Bones!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's why I think it's really important to get into the English mindset, all right, for today's creepypasta episode.
BEN KISSEL
Oh god. I'm not gonna start liking garlic crisps, I'm not doing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just gotta put some smelt on it and you'll really, really like it then. Some kind of cheese and onion mixture.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But here, all right, imagine.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You are, because god fucking holy shit, I need weed. Holy fucking shit I need some weed. I should have smuggled it up my ass. I don't know why I didn't do it.
BEN KISSEL
It has been a much more lighthearted version of Trainspotting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Henry and his desperate need for weed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm falling apart. So I know that normally at the top of the creepypasta, because this is what, number 97?
BEN KISSEL
Something like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're really getting into it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, 15 or 16.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
15 or 16. But normally I would say smoke a bowl or some iteration of that but no, fuck you. All right? Because I don't get it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So don't you get it now. All right, you have to imagine yourself. Okay, number one. It's a moonlit night but you can't see it because it's raining, right. Just absolutely terrible outside, it's this wind and rain. But everybody's loving it, they're all wearing t-shirts, you're fully bundled, right.
BEN KISSEL
It's kinda nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And everyone's looking at you like you're a fucking jackass, all right. Because you don't understand, I'm now from Los Angeles unfortunately, right, so my blood has thinned, right. So I'm a mark to these people.
BEN KISSEL
I really enjoyed the weather.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's nice, it is actually very nice. And so all right, you're British.
MARCUS PARKS
(British accent) Hello?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(British accent) Allo.
BEN KISSEL
Nailed it, nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Your Adam's apple is so sharp, you can't even wear a collar. All right? And every day your legs get more rickety from the cobbled streets and they refused to turn into real streets. And you smell tea and you're like, (British accent) 'Yay!' And isn't that spooky?
BEN KISSEL
That is a little spooky, depending on the tea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And everywhere you go, right, you go down that British cobblestone street and you see something that's like oh, it's a church, isn't it wonderful. And you read the plaque and it's like 400 people were burned here in 1650 and you're like holy fucking shit, awesome.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. But they gave them a plaque.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They did.
BEN KISSEL
That's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like I went to the witch's well over here in Edinburgh where they put up a little... And you're like oh, you wonder how do they do the reparations for the witches?
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a little plaque.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that nice?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is nice.
BEN KISSEL
And the planter?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a little planter that they put oregano, whatever the hell they call it here.
BEN KISSEL
Women love flowers. I think we know what the witches want.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So again, you wiggled back to your pub and there there's a big round woman and she's telling you, (British accent) 'Oh sit in me cleft. Sit in me cleft!' Right.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Sit in the cleft, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(British accent) If I do sit in that cleft of yours I will never escape! But you do anyway and you slide up inside this huge woman and next thing you know, you're surrounded by the bits of garlic biscuits and Irn-Bru and you're eating something that's not a pickle.
MARCUS PARKS
Hell yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's something else, it's all mixed up in it and there's cheese and onion in there.
MARCUS PARKS
They told me it was a pickle in the cheese pasty or not pasty, it was a pickle and cheese toastie and it wasn't pickles. It was something that was pickled but it was round and it was like a button and it was weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Spooky.
BEN KISSEL
It is spooky.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning)
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And next thing you know you're sliding out as a tan shit that used to be inside a Polish expat named Henry Zebrowski.
BEN KISSEL
Wow. Fantastic. All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Instead of weed, drink some fucking booze I guess.
BEN KISSEL
Now that everyone is ready for the creepypasta, let's get into it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are you starting off?
BEN KISSEL
Well I figure I might as well start off, I'll start.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, really set the tone, Kissel.
BEN KISSEL
We'll just set the tone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because this episode, Marcus and I were saying before because normally we skew towards funny.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Comedy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Today, at all times. Sort of, we try to.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But today we're going to be genuinely very frightening.
BEN KISSEL
We are?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
BEN KISSEL
The intro is about how we're all human shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
But all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is frightening.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know if I'm gonna be genuinely frightened, speak for yourself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like I could get there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
This is kind of all of our curse. Maybe Marcus could be, maybe you could pull it off. Sincere scary.
MARCUS PARKS
Possibly.
BEN KISSEL
But Henry and I can't do sincere scary, they laugh at us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can scare some people.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah but you really can't because even if you were...
MARCUS PARKS
You said that and you made me laugh.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, see? It doesn't work. That's the curse. That's the curse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning) I am a ghost!
BEN KISSEL
Despite the fact we're in Edinburgh, this first story is entitled 'Kansas'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow. So not on theme.
BEN KISSEL
Carry on my wayward son indeed. Or don't come back at all. I don't care.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Obviously not.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, so I haven't read this story. Once again, on theme.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Again, this is all about I wouldn't want you to work too hard on this because if you did it would ruin the magic.
BEN KISSEL
No, I know. It would break the tradition. And as we know, tradition is very important in Europe. Okay, here we go. And the words have begun. "I think I've been driving for five days, it could be more but I can't remember. Things tend to blur from one day to the next lately, from one hour to the next."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was gonna do this creepy!
BEN KISSEL
Oh you were?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can do it. Try it creepy, try it creepy. All right? Just start from the top.
BEN KISSEL
I was!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I mean it was creepy. Just your negligence and lack of caring.
BEN KISSEL
You can do this one creepy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no. Try. I'd like to see you try to do it.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Imagine atmosphere. Imagine it. (moaning)
BEN KISSEL
"I've been driving for five days. It could be more but I can't remember."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Goddamnit.
BEN KISSEL
That's creepy!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's not creepy! Atmosphere.
BEN KISSEL
"I've been driving for five days. It could be more but I can't remember. Days tend to blur from one day to the next lately, from one hour to the next."
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
So we have blurring hours. "The glowing blue lights of my car's dashboard clock tell me it's 3AM which means it's been a long time since we last stopped. More glowing lights tell me I need gas and I worry because there's nothing out there."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're smiling. You're literally doing the opposite of making it scary. You're actively smiling like it's a Tesco commercial.
BEN KISSEL
I just watched that movie Smile and it was a little scary. "This highway is perfectly straight and cuts a dark line through the flat black void of Kansas. There hasn't been as much as a hill or a curve in the road for hours, just a flawless leveled horizon and on the occasional one family home with no lights, sitting solitary on acres and acres of property." Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's scary, it's unused land.
BEN KISSEL
Unused land.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly there needs to be businesses there and restaurants and apartment complexes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
More subway sandwiches. "The gas station that suddenly appears like a radioactive pinpoint is startling in a way, sitting in an inky black ocean of grass underneath the night sky. I'm afraid to look away from it." Maybe good deals on gas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not likely.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I know. Tell me about it. That's the real creepypasta.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, right? The economy, stupid.
BEN KISSEL
"Some part of my brain tells me it's going to disappear if I don't keep it in my sights. A sign comes into view, a white diamond with red block letters. Gas! No price is listed, though I suppose they wouldn't have to list them seeing as there doesn't seem to be much competition to advertise against. I pulled the car into the lot, a brightly little oasis of electric dust. There's no one there. As I get out of the car I hear the tinny speakers playing country music but I can't make out the words and the tune is only vaguely familiar."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(humming)
MARCUS PARKS
(Humming)
BEN KISSEL
"It's the only audible sound except for the footsteps on the concrete and the sound of a slide guitar is swiftly swallowed up by the night."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(slide guitar sound)
BEN KISSEL
"A breeze lifts my hair away from my face but even the wind nearly silent. A bug bounces rhythmically against the oppressive neon lighting of the gas station canopy."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Plink plink.
BEN KISSEL
It's weird, oppressive neon lighting. It's a little dramatic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fun, it's writing. It's supposed to be, it's good atmosphere.
BEN KISSEL
I see. "Everything on the ground is shiny and gleaming underneath its halo although I didn't see any rain."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You sound like a man who woke up from a 10 year coma.
BEN KISSEL
"Maybe it's just from the heavy fog that lingers just beyond the edges of the road. I fill the car with gas and use a card to pay. The machine makes satisfied beeps when the payment goes through."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Beep-beep-beep.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, this guy's weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like this. Beep-beep-boop.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, all right. R2-D2. "A shiver starts at the base of my spine and I can't stop it from traveling upwards. And unknown, indescribable fear takes a hold of my heart. What am I doing? Where am I going?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it. Basically it's a horror story about the lack of economic diversity in purgatory. But it's supposed to be you don't know where you're going.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh. Kansas is purgatory.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where am I going?
MARCUS PARKS
Oh he doesn't know what the destination is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They've been driving for hours, he doesn't know why he's been driving. Could be a woman.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they're out there and they see nothing, all of a sudden they come to while driving. Have you ever done that? Have you ever been driving a long time?
BEN KISSEL
That's not my fault.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
BEN KISSEL
That story is not my fault. That is just where am I going? Okay. You wanted to read that one?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah but I was gonna spice it up. It's about being confused.
BEN KISSEL
It's the equivalent of 'are we there yet?' I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is technically. Now I understand what you have done with your unfortunate ability is that you have cast illumination into the lack of confidence.
BEN KISSEL
It's just not that scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Just driving in Kansas. Anyway, all right. There we go, kicked it off.
MARCUS PARKS
Would you like me to take the next one?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do it.
BEN KISSEL
Round robin? This one is called 'They' by Beatrice Ervogel. "When they came we suspected little. They said nothing, they barely even moved. It was a cold autumn day when they came dressed in their black suits, gloves, and snow pants."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am ready for the snow.
BEN KISSEL
Oh, very nice. Nice pants.
MARCUS PARKS
"They never said it or made any notion but there was a silent agreement between us and them that they intended to blend in and we both knew it didn't work. They didn't mind. They carried briefcases and wore hats that seemed to always be covering their faces regardless of the angle viewed from. Us townsfolk lived in harmony with them for a good while."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Men In Black can actually be fine neighbors if you leave them alone.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly bring them a bottle of wine.
BEN KISSEL
Treat them with a little respect.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bring a casserole.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. They're still people kind of.
MARCUS PARKS
"Then things began to stray from what we had so nonchalantly embraced as mundane. The first incident was when a couple from out of town drew attention to them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Always. Fucking always.
BEN KISSEL
Come on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who are those guys!?
BEN KISSEL
Shut up. Shut up, you're ruining it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Those guys! Those guys are weird, right!?
BEN KISSEL
Get out of here, tourist.
MARCUS PARKS
"They didn't like being acknowledged. They certainly didn't like being talked to. One morning every car in town was missing. Or rather they were all taken apart down to the very last bolt and plate, pieces stacked neatly in piles in the town square, a single message written in barely legible writing was tacked to the door of town hall. It read: You have failed."
BEN KISSEL
Jesus Christ, Dad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I bet those guys did it!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah I was trying my best. I didn't wanna play football, dad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Seriously, I've been trying to get an Uber for two days.
BEN KISSEL
What's happening here? Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
"We all knew that things would only be downhill from there. We live in a small town in the middle of nowhere with nothing of interest. We get so few visitors it never crossed our minds to have a plan for when one comes in. Then again we can't really warn anybody, acknowledging their presence is a dire mistake."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do not want to be perceived. I do not want to be perceived.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"The second incident came without any noticeable provocation. The water disappeared. All water in the area was now replaced with an acrid yellow fluid whose smell was somewhere between sulfur and ceaseless unease."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Has anybody noticed the hotel's water smells like peepee?
BEN KISSEL
Kinda weird. They're in Michigan.
MARCUS PARKS
"We all knew it was their doing and they knew that we knew.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's those guys!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's those weird guys you guys all don't want to talk about. But honestly, I gotta go see him. You know that there was a second Wonder Woman?
BEN KISSEL
You have to leave, tourist.
MARCUS PARKS
"We still had no idea just what their primary objective was. But to snoop any further than a casual glance would be to encroach on their goodwill. You could see them all walking about town, taking measurements, filling notebook after notebook with quickly scribbled notes, observed the weather and clouds, took census of how many rats lived in everybody's homes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They are nerds.
BEN KISSEL
Oh no!
MARCUS PARKS
"However their behavior changed entirely after the second incident. No more measurements, no more counting, nothing. They just got out of their black cars where we presumed they slept."
BEN KISSEL
Okay. Strange presumption.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're between gigs.
BEN KISSEL
I see.
MARCUS PARKS
"They got out of their cars at 5:00 sharp like any other day but then what followed was entirely different. They all circled around the car parts. By the way, we attempted to reclaim them once, the tumors haven't receded since."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm all covered with bumps!
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah, you are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was just collecting all the horns.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
"And they did a silent dance of sorts."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(creaking sounds)
BEN KISSEL
It's silent.
MARCUS PARKS
"It was no fluid motion. It was rather jagged."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wish you could see this.
MARCUS PARKS
"An unnatural convulsion to the casual eye."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wish the internet could see what Marcus is doing.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
"This carried on for about three weeks."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus christ.
BEN KISSEL
Wow, that's a long ass dance.
MARCUS PARKS
"Then the unthinkable happened. They spoke. The third incident was just how and what they spoke. You wouldn't believe a single thing they said if you hadn't lived with them for years like we did. Their speech was little more than hushed whispers at first, small voices in the back of your head murmuring all kinds of horrible thoughts. After a while when we had learned to tune them out, they, as if sensing our newfound immunity, began speaking more loudly."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Debra!
BEN KISSEL
Oh hi.
MARCUS PARKS
"The thing is they never stopped getting louder, louder, and louder until none of us could even think. Migraine after migraine if we didn't comply. Some of the townsfolk followed their conversations and acted out what they said, possibly mistaking the shouting for their own folks."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I live across the street from my parents.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that nice? Everybody does love Raymond.
MARCUS PARKS
"Soon we began to fight amongst ourselves. We also began to do ludicrous things like jump off roofs, touch the car parts."
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's crazy.
MARCUS PARKS
"And attempt to open our bodies to remove organs."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See I feel like we're skipping past a lot of levels.
BEN KISSEL
Right because the jumping off roofs, bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Touching the car parts. The car parts are there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fine. Yeah, it's a lug nut.
MARCUS PARKS
"The fourth incident was one of these odd actions. A neighbor of mine, his name lost to the endless screaming-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it was Steve.
BEN KISSEL
It may have been Steve. Yeah, I remember that.
MARCUS PARKS
"He actually touched the tainted yellow liquid that replaced all the water. His bones never did stop popping and snapping. We thought nothing of it."
BEN KISSEL
You thought nothing of that?
MARCUS PARKS
"Too preoccupied with our new thoughts, our assigned thoughts that we were disgusting, we were out of shape, we were wrong in every way. That they had never seen as terrible a failure as us."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is a parable about social media!
MARCUS PARKS
"And we believed it! After all, it's all we thought about."
BEN KISSEL
Where are we going?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you're always thinking about what they are thinking of you.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I see.
MARCUS PARKS
What they're thinking of you, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then all of a sudden they're doing a bunch of stuff you don't understand because they're them and you don't get them but they always judge you. You can tune it out as much as you want but next thing you know, as soon as you start listening to them, what they do is they start controlling your actions.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
So that's like a new trend now, no ending?
MARCUS PARKS
No ending? That story was written almost 10 years ago.
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's from 2013.
BEN KISSEL
Wow, all right.
MARCUS PARKS
But no, it is a parable. I mean the water, Instagram used to be water, it used to be fun and then Facebook bought it and now it's yellow liquid bile.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now it's yellow liquid bile! I love to learn!
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic, all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, I got a song.
BEN KISSEL
Make it creepy, Henry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This song is about Mr. Bojangles.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic, love that song.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's called 'Mr. Bojangles Collection' by Danica.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you, Danica.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Tully knew a lot for an eight year old. Too much. He knew most of his times tables, he knew all the months of the year, and he was pretty good at spelling."
BEN KISSEL
That'll really come in handy nowadays.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"In school Tully had been learning about what makes a good friend. So he knew all about that too. So late one night Tully was woken by someone tapping on his window. It was too dark to really see who was there but Tully heard somebody giggling and asked to be let inside."
BEN KISSEL
Never let the giggling man in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(giggling) Scary people need love too. "Knowing that's what a good friend would do, Tully opened his window wide without hesitation. Two large long hands gripped the windowsill. The fingers looked crooked and all different sizes and Tully noticed on the left hand a finger was missing. Then so fast that he could have been a shadow, the tallest man Tully has ever seen slipped in through the bedroom window. Tully was so glad that he opened the window that night because Mr. Bojangles became his best friend."
MARCUS PARKS
Oh wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As he does, dancing on the boards.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The name Bojangles really suited him, Tully thought, because sometimes he would crawl right up the wall and dangle from the ceiling. Tully knew that Mr. Bojangles dangles was around. He loves to dangle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She taught me how to dance, I taught her how to dangle.
BEN KISSEL
Oh well isn't that nice? And dangling is more difficult than you think.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, ask Natalie because she dangles all the time. "Tully's new friend was funny as well as clever, he could twist his head all the way around til it was entirely backwards which always made Tully laugh. And his large eyes look like two deep dark holes in his head."
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Funny.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that nice? Dark holes in your head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes Mr. Bojangles would get down on all fours, twist his head backwards and chase Tully up and down the hallway while Tully squealed with delight. That would've been you as a child.
MARCUS PARKS
It would have been. I would have loved to have Mr. Bojangles. I was a lonely child.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're just looking for a reach out, you're looking for something to try to understand you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Tully's new friend said that they need to keep their friendship a secret. But that was okay because Tully was excellent at keeping secrets. Mr. Bojangles had been very busy for a very long time collecting things. And he was getting close to his collection being complete. Tully collected interesting rocks that he found at the beach so he knew all about collecting things."
MARCUS PARKS
I collect interesting rocks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You do?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
What kind of interesting rocks?
MARCUS PARKS
Just interesting rocks.
BEN KISSEL
What's the most interesting rock you've collected?
MARCUS PARKS
Probably a red one that I got in Iceland.
BEN KISSEL
And what does it mean to you?
MARCUS PARKS
I have a nice memory of a hike that me and Carolina took.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
MARCUS PARKS
It's got white flecks in it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't wait for you to move. You're gonna move and we're all gonna have friends.
MARCUS PARKS
That's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The problem was that Mr. Bojangles needed Tully's help. He only had one more thing to collect but he could not do it alone, he was certain that Tully was just the boy for the job. And Tully was sure that he was too. First Tully had to get the tool from the shed that his dad used to cut small branches from trees called secateurs. That part was easy because Tully had helped his dad put all the hooks on the wall to hang the tools so he already knew where they were. Then Tully had to stay up very late, very past his bedtime to be certain that his dad was asleep. Tully would never forget the last part of the plan because Mr. Bojangles told him that he must be very brave and that everyone was filled with rivers of red. It's blood.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I see.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Late that night while his father slept, Tully found out that he was right. He knew that he had done a great job from the gaping wet grin on Mr. Bojangles' face and the way his black eyes lit up like fire. Fun. "Tully had tried to grin back and his friend but all he could see was red and then blackness. Hospital was so boring, the nurses who had come to check on Tully were boring and too busy to play with him, the doctors asked too many questions. He'd only been there for a few days when Tully was woken one night by a heavy weight dropping on the end of his bed. When he sat up with surprise, Tully was overjoyed to see his best friend Mr. Bojangles sitting there at the end of the hospital bed."
BEN KISSEL
Oh nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, Mr. Bojangles. Hey. I see you, I just see you as a child. "Tully grinned and held up his bandaged left hand now with one finger less. Mr. Bojangles grinned right back, holding his own hands behind his back, he slid off the end of the bed and stretched his bony body up to its full height. Then with a flourish, Mr. Bojangles spun around, revealed his left hand to Tully, now with one finger more."
BEN KISSEL
Oh very nice, extra finger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Mr. Bojangles wiggled his strangely crooked fingers, all of them different lengths and sizes. Tully counted all 10 of them. He was excellent at counting. He was so happy that finally his friend's collection was complete!"
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! He took his finger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was fingers.
BEN KISSEL
Wow, different kinds of fingers from different people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
People collect rocks.
BEN KISSEL
Some people collect fingers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. People collect both.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I collect piles of skin from my body. All the dry skin that comes off. I collect it in little jars just in case the help doesn't come when you're at the hotel and they take one of the little jars to try to make another one of you.
BEN KISSEL
I think I saw a My Strange Addiction about that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I think it's been done before.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No people do, they eat their dry skin. Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, the skin flakes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I'm not into it.
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I collect it.
BEN KISSEL
I'll take a cornflake over a skin flake. All right, I got one. It's called 'Ten Little Piggies'. It's by David.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
Sounds right up your alley.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I'm glad. Honestly I have some stuff for you for next week for Side Stories. You know how many cheese-based crimes happen in Europe?
MARCUS PARKS
A lot.
BEN KISSEL
Dude, there's been a lot of weird crimes in Europe that we've discovered. Apparently the nurses are just killing all the babies out here.
MARCUS PARKS
I discovered that there's a TV presenter in England called Alex Jones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It's a woman.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a lady, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But she's like hot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, super hot.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that nice?
MARCUS PARKS
Because I found a newspaper headline that I found quite humorous.
BEN KISSEL
Alternative universe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does kind of feel like that.
BEN KISSEL
A hot Alex Jones.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Alex Jones. This is from the Daily Mail, "Alex Jones puts on a glamorous display in a plunging corset metallic skirt."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Looks good!
BEN KISSEL
That might be about our Alex Jones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Same bust size.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, 'Ten Little Piggies' by David. "Ten little piggies, I'm exposed. I know if I open my eyes-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh. No.
BEN KISSEL
What?
MARCUS PARKS
I'm exposed!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm exposed!
BEN KISSEL
I'm exposed. "I know if I open my eyes, only moonlight and shadow will greet my foggy gaze. But to overcome the whisper of tension creeping synapse to synapse would require more courage than I currently possess. All possibilities are equally unlikely, making each nightmare as likely as the next."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
"The first a blade, the wielder is, I would suspect, human, but I cannot be sure. I am however wholly certain that they are skilled and intend to inflict maximum harm."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You sound like the AI voicebot that they said came alive.
BEN KISSEL
"They crouch at the foot of the bed, a deadly focus on my bare extremities."
MARCUS PARKS
I'm exposed!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm exposed!
BEN KISSEL
I'm exposed. "Plans of separating my second and third toe to the heel-" Deal with toes, ten little piggies. "It is too warm in here. How am I supposed to rest? Should I cocoon myself in a shroud of cheap polyester when my body temperature is rising by the second? If I could just open my eyes and allow myself to be convinced that I could throw off this sweat-soaked rag. Alas, the neurons whisper still and the whisper grows louder." Which makes it no longer a whisper.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't understand. I thought he was naked but he's wearing a suit?
BEN KISSEL
No, he's covered. He's in a blanket.
MARCUS PARKS
But he's got a polyester blanket.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It's very uncomfortable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is. I don't like the concept of it.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Illogical.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. No, it doesn't make any sense.
BEN KISSEL
"A hand lays still on the edge of my mattress, the first and second knuckle visible, the remainder receding in the darkness unseen. But this hand is not resting, it is poised ready. It will not remain still for long. The skin pale and sagging shows signs of rot. I must assume that the hands float not independently but is guided by an equally emaciated host."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you're lying down. I'm just trying to kind of vaguely understand what it is that you're saying.
BEN KISSEL
The person's lying down butt naked with a blanket on and he sees a bunch of hands.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just hands.
MARCUS PARKS
Knuckles.
BEN KISSEL
But he thinks that there's going to be a host aka something connected to those hands.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There would be.
BEN KISSEL
"It's the scorching breath of this I can feel on my exposed thigh. This threat is most definitely not human, at least not anymore. My eyelid flickers in uncontrollably, the thin veil separating fear from freedom. His eyes are on me, a hulking mass hidden behind the wall of darkness past my open bedroom door. Watching, waiting. An absence of light stretches across the chrome clad wall and slides onto the bed next to me, distorted talons reaching for my throat. Just open your eyes! I can't. A drop of saliva hangs millimeters from my face. If I dared raise my head only slightly, it would meet my sweating brow." It's like that scene from Alien.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh god.
BEN KISSEL
"It belongs to a creature currently suspended above me, claws driven into the ceiling.
MARCUS PARKS
Another dangler.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what it is, this is a whole dangling section.
BEN KISSEL
It's a dangle thing. "Claws driven into the ceiling, joints cracked and limbs twisting, allowing the face of this blind demon to press ever closer to mine. Long curved teeth begin to separate."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You sound like if Clive Barker had a brain injury. Just because it does sound like it could be sexual and exciting and dark and fucked up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
No, it's scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the way you're saying it sounds like you're reading a bunch of demands to a police officer while you have a fucking pilot at gunpoint.
BEN KISSEL
It's very scary. Also that new Hellraiser is supposed to be good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, it's got a lady in it.
BEN KISSEL
"Long curved teeth begin to separate, forcing the taut glistening skin to draw back over exposed tendons and white bone. The spittle breaks free, the demon lunges. I open my eyes." So another story that has really no fucking conclusion to it. I'm not writing this shit.
MARCUS PARKS
It was all a dream.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know what... It all took place in a fucking snow globe. I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
He just opened his eyes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I actually kind of liked that you obviously didn't read it before, you didn't know the ending, it's nice that you can see the actual reaction. That's how he would react if he did read it alone.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I also find it's a massive pet peeve of mine when stories end that it was all a dream.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Everyone hates it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because then what have I spent the last fucking hour doing?
BEN KISSEL
Why do I care?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If it's all a dream? But that's a scary dream.
BEN KISSEL
It's a scary dream.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I had a dream last night that I was in post for doing a season for Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell that didn't happen. And I woke up sad. Now that's a scary dream.
BEN KISSEL
Those are my scariest dreams, the ones that are hyper realistic. I had a dream that everyone was mad at me, we were all breaking up. I hate those dreams.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Those are the worst.
BEN KISSEL
I can deal with my nightmares, those are kinda fun. I've had three Freddy dreams now and I beat him twice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See that's cool. It was me and Dave sitting at an editing bay just talking about how great the new season was gonna be.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it was really fucking sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah because it doesn't happen, did it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's not.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the saddest of all, it's called adult disappointment. That's the scariest thing possible.
BEN KISSEL
Don't grow up.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this story is called 'Worried'.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no.
MARCUS PARKS
It's submitted by Anonymous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they're worried you knew who they were.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a lot of worries.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean I'm worried.
MARCUS PARKS
"Sometimes you can see what other people are seeing. And you're worried. You're worried about the furry thing with the dinner plate sized eyes that comes down the stairs when you walk up to your bedroom in the dark. You're worried about the hordes of tiny little men that always come into the rooms of people who sleep on the floor, the little men that slowly carry you away is desperately pretend to still be asleep."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sir, you said that you're worried about the things that other people see but I'm just gonna go on a limb here and say I don't think there is any tiny little men.
BEN KISSEL
No, there might not be. It might be a very dangerous mental disease.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the people with long necks and a throat pouch who stare at you after you accidentally witnessed them swallowing something big."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just saw that on the Royal Mile.
BEN KISSEL
Is that right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Big necks.
MARCUS PARKS
"They stare at you as if trying to estimate your overall body mass. Can I swallow you?"
BEN KISSEL
Hey, can I swallow you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, can I swallow you?
BEN KISSEL
Got any gum?
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the thing that answers with your girlfriend's voice when you ring at the door of her apartment building only to have your girlfriend call you moments later on your mobile phone to tell you that she's sorry she wasn't home yet and could you wait there a few moments longer?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy has a girlfriend?
BEN KISSEL
Who was phone?
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the little goat that talks with the deep voice that you mostly feel through your feet."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh man, I don't want to be anywhere near this guy.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the giant goat head inexplicably alive in a basement somewhere filling almost the entire room."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just got to move on. I gotta record today, I got so much going on buddy. I can't hear all of your worries.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the illness that makes your hands and feet grow little teeth and how they start eating you from your limbs up."
BEN KISSEL
That would be something, that's a concerning thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it might be adult onset acne.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the result of this illness. Hollow heads waddling around on your roof on hands and feet with the rest of their bodies gone. You're worried about the thing that follows you around all day with the tiny eyes that are so wide apart and the big, big mouth, the thing that stares at you and waits, waits and when you expect it the least starts screaming so loud, screams that freeze you to the bone. You spend every moment asleep or awake dreading the moment when it will start screaming again yet hoping for it to finally come because the waiting is almost worse."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you want to work here at the Winn-Dixie, huh?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well we're gonna have to take a look. We need to do a piss test.
BEN KISSEL
But not the kind you think.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can you piss on cue?
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can work at Winn-Dixie.
BEN KISSEL
Bang.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about how your boyfriend sometimes changes his shape while he's asleep, especially that one time when he ended up looking like your father."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's just cause again, you never know who you married.
BEN KISSEL
Well they always say you marry someone that looks like your mother or someone that is like your father.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at me.
BEN KISSEL
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the mirror standing all alone in an abandoned building. You're worried about the people who split open like clams to reveal a tiny talking pearl inside."
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate that, man. I'd be worried too, man.
BEN KISSEL
That's good money though.
MARCUS PARKS
It commands you to do unspeakable things. You're worried about the wolf man with a penis very small in diameter."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
"But which can grow up to 10 meters long and just a fraction of a second, transpiercing people's bodies in the most agonizing ways while making the noise of a party horn."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(horn sounds)
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh this guy's got quite the imagination, shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the little curled up ones. (horn sounds)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(horn sounds)
BEN KISSEL
Little horns.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just the idea of a long wolf penis is kinda funny.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know why they started with a short wolf penis cause it sounds like it's quite large actually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is like dark side of the moon.
MARCUS PARKS
It's small in diameter, Ben.
BEN KISSEL
Yes but it's long.
MARCUS PARKS
It's long and small diameter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes it's nice.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
"Then you're worried about the thing that tells you how pretty you are."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yup. Because that's how I know you're lying.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're always trying to butter me up, tell me how pretty I am.
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the small things with the stupid empty eyes that copulate on the walls and on the ceiling, so many of them that you feel like watching porn on thousands of little screens and no matter how hard you try to cull their numbers, their population grows and grows. They don't even try to resist you, they don't need to."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy has a girlfriend.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I don't know what's happening. Now he's a porn addict?
MARCUS PARKS
"You're worried about the long cold fingers that caress your neck at night as you lie with your back towards the wall. You're worried about the hair growing on the floor. You're worried about the hair and your toilet and you're worried about the thing that happens when you pee on it instead of flushing first."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On the toilet?
MARCUS PARKS
In the toilet.
BEN KISSEL
Is that a Ghoulie?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, Ghoulies!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Ghoulies were great. "You're worried about the tiny eyeballs on long rubbery stocks that stare at you as you wake up slowly, very slowly retreating out of the room as you stare back at them, somehow sensing the presence of something much larger outside. You're worried about the thing waiting in your bathtub at night. You're worried about the tongue that meets you halfway when you are giving oral sex to your girlfriend."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Girlfriend again?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, she's got a tongue in her vagina.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey man, god bless ya.
BEN KISSEL
I guess.
MARCUS PARKS
"No wait, wait. You think that last one's kinda hot?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do honestly, I think it's kinda cool because it's like you're french kissing your girlfriend's own vagina.
MARCUS PARKS
"The rest though worries you."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am worried.
BEN KISSEL
All right, that's the end.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was the closing one?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, no wait, you think it's kind of hot? The rest worries you though.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It seemed like he had a bunch of cool thoughts and then had a hard time wrapping it up at the end.
BEN KISSEL
Hey, at no point did he mention taxes which I think we all have to worry about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just realized, yeah. And also dementia.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's gonna come for all of us.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You're really obsessed with that after seeing that movie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's very scary to me. If you want to see the single scariest movie I've seen in years, it is Gaspar Noé's Vortex.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't wanna see that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It fucking scared the fucking shit out of me.
BEN KISSEL
You could have watched that Glen Campbell documentary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually yeah, that also fills the need. But definitely I thought that last line you just added.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it was in the story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that's it. So the erotic thing is he's kissing it, it's like a tongue inside of his girlfriend's vagina.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very Night Vale.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I kind of like that world because there's something about there's a scary world that he just dates in and he's kind of like this seems kind of strange but also at the same time he's obviously in a nightmare realm.
MARCUS PARKS
It worries him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It worries him.
BEN KISSEL
He's worried.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I feel like maybe on TV he's watching in the nightmare realm instead of watching all the scary things, he's watching people do ordinary things like cook eggs or go to work and stuff and he's just like ugh, a 9 to 5! That's scary. But then you start to realize that maybe we shouldn't be living like that but then now he's just a man out of time. And then they say only call someone who goes insane if they are sane during insane circumstances. Right?
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Einstein. All right, I got a little mini story because we're in the UK.
BEN KISSEL
What does that mean? What's the correlation there?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just quick because it's UK feelings.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"My mom was never a religious woman but always very spiritual one. Nevertheless she didn't necessarily believe in literal fairies and the like but she can never find an explanation for something she saw on a trip to the UK in her teens. This was in 1976." The top of the pops had Marty and the Stinklebones.
BEN KISSEL
Oh absolutely, fantastic song.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And everyone's favorite dance hall had Everybody Get The Graphole was playing on every single steam powered radio in the UK.
BEN KISSEL
I love that song. Great tune.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My mom had traveled to the UK from New York to perform with require in a hollowed old cathedral. She described it as majestic and massive. There was lodging attached to the old building and she and her choir stayed there during the trip. One night when she and some of her girlfriends were up late night talking, they heard a funny singing voice coming from down the hallway. (wailing)
BEN KISSEL
It's like an anime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
BEN KISSEL
Cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It wasn't unpleasant but high pitched and odd, in a language they couldn't understand. This is true now, this is a true story.
BEN KISSEL
Oh, you should have prefaced it that way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a true story.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"My mom and two of her friends left the room to investigate, following it to a locker a bit on the hall. The singing was coming from inside. Overcome with curiosity, one of the girls open the locker to see a tiny naked red-haired man."
BEN KISSEL
Oh he's funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See, it's cute.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not ghostly but not exactly corporeal either. It couldn't have been taller than a foot, she said. He apparently hadn't heard the girls coming down the hall and upon seeing them all staring at him, he shrieked. (shrieking)
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was more scared of them than they were it.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? "Then all four of them stood there for a moment just screaming in shock. The girls slammed the locker and ran down to the room. The singing quieted after that and when someone went to go check the locker sometime later, the little guy had disappeared."
BEN KISSEL
Well they scared him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"My mom and her friends never told anyone on that trip because they feared they'd be called crazy. But she remembered it clearly for the rest of her life and she never had another encounter quite like it. I struggle with believing in the paranormal but this story has always made my faith or lack thereof waiver."
BEN KISSEL
Don't scare the little guy in the locker!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The little people are here. The little people are here and it's not just people selling sammies.
MARCUS PARKS
Those are my favorite kinds of paranormal stories where you just see a weird little guy, it's a strange little thing that happens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(shrieking)
MARCUS PARKS
(shrieking) And then it's over, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because to me that's kind of like if there are slips in reality, that type of thing, glitches in the matrix.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that they would happen suddenly and quick. Like you'd see a thing that's not supposed to be there for a second, it realizes it's being seen, says no! And then leaves. And then that's why a lot of times you get pinkeye.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
If there's a plot then it's usually not true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's my thing.
BEN KISSEL
Well I've got one more short tale for you. This one's called 'Shelter' by Prince Peach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) War, children, it's just a shot away, it's just a shot away.
BEN KISSEL
That's a fun story. 15 Feet From Stardom. You ever see that documentary?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
BEN KISSEL
Is it 15 Feet?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She was pregnant.
BEN KISSEL
During that, yeah. And they woke her up in the middle of the night and they need to give her a little bit more money I think. But anyway, that's another horror story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Residuals.
BEN KISSEL
Food costs are up 14% in the UK.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Scary.
MARCUS PARKS
Scary.
BEN KISSEL
Shelter' by Prince Beach. "The sleepy town of South Lake never expected any kind of bomb to be dropped on them and were woefully unprepared when the shrieking of klaxons and news reporters split their calm town. It was gradual perhaps, not so instant, starting with denial. As lights flickered out and water slowed to a trickle, the residents began to believe. Mothers cried for the coming death of their children and the fathers put on brave faces with shaking hands. They could not grasp that they were dead already. And so they descended on a man they had once mocked, laughing behind closed doors about spent money and spilled milk. You are not laughing now. Panic pushed and crushed, red painting the soles of boots and bare feet. They clawed at his door, begging and pleading until fingernails gave way to bone. Sometime later when the sirens turned off and false alarm was called, the man exited his bunker. Although no bombs had fallen, his neighbors and friends were all dead."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is this about Ukraine?
BEN KISSEL
They're dead. "In their place were strangers who could not look him in the eye but to spit on his shoes. They despised him not for what he had done but for what it made them, little more than animals in the face of death."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
You know if you took the way you said spit on shoes, if you take that and work from there, you'd be pretty good this.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's actually getting scary.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
In their place were strangers who could not look him in the eye but to spit on his shoes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's pretty good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See that's because you actually have a little timber.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you get that timber, you growl.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(deep voice) Yeah, you get down there. Hey, will you please stay with me the night? Hey, please don't leave. Hey.
BEN KISSEL
We've got tonight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(deep voice) I'm sick. I'm so sick.
BEN KISSEL
South Lake. I don't know what the hell I just read.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It sounds like it's a bunker situation. What was it called?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. It's called 'Shelter' by Prince Peach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh you know what, I'll do one more because that was so short. This is 'Mud' by Prince Peach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay, give him another shot.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, I'm gonna try. "The air is still and I cannot breathe. My son has fallen quiet as I dig, the earth is damp and clings to my fingers. But my son does not help. He is quiet as I dig in earth so wet I cannot seem to keep it dug. My wife cries as I claw at the dirt and my son is silent. He's silent as he climbs into my work and is eaten whole. My wife has gone still and I dig, the mud sucks at my hands and threatens to consume me. She is still as I work in squelching muck that will not stay dug. She is still as I work in squelching muck that will not stay dug. I weep because her vacant eyes will not as I reach deeper into what I have wrought. My wife is still as I crawl into my chasm and am swallowed."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As you were saying that a raven perched upon the sill and I watched the raven and it went, (cawing) 'Ah, that's scary.'
BEN KISSEL
"The air is mud and I do not breathe but I must dig."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean that's like good lyrics.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah! That's was good, I liked that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was good. Atmosphere.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Prince Peach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like that, I feel it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Scary stuff. It's quicksand.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
BEN KISSEL
Yep. All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also I think it was about graves, about digging your son's grave, you killed your son, now you're digging his grave. It's all pulling you down.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I'm sorry, it was actually written by Chad Daybell. Sorry about that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting. It's about adding things to a pet cemetery.
MARCUS PARKS
My story is called 'Thinjaman'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thinjaman?
MARCUS PARKS
Thinjaman.
BEN KISSEL
Like Benjamin but if I was thin?
MARCUS PARKS
Thinjaman. Thinjaman. I think it's Thinja-man.
BEN KISSEL
Thinjaman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Could it be Thin-JA-man?
MARCUS PARKS
Thin-JA-man?
BEN KISSEL
It's like a superhero? Thinjaman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll get there, we'll find out.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it's Thinja-man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's by Connor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow, Connor. I love him.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, great.
MARCUS PARKS
"Once upon a time, two little boys named Eric and Thomas walked down Gerflant Road one fine winter day on their way to school. As they walked they had an argument about who had the better toy. My Thinjaman is better because it's purple, explained Eric. Purple is a doo-doo color! I like my Fatoman because of how he is blue, argued Thomas."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"Purple! Blue! Purple! Blue! Their argument continued on much like this for 20 minutes until a crow flew by and collided with the back of Thomas's head. He fell into the driven snow, dinging his knee on a piece of ice in the process. Thomas sat up and wailed loudly about his knee and face. Eric looked down at his friend and through his thing toy at Thomas."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thin?
MARCUS PARKS
"It bounced off his head and landed in the street. Thinjaman! screamed Eric."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool, all right.
MARCUS PARKS
"Bluh bluh my knee is beating and snow is in my eyes bluh bluh, mumbled Thomas as the snow around his legs slowly gained a crimson hue. As Eric ran out to grab his anorexic action figure, a muscular man in a tank top lumbered out of the nearby apartment."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa. It's Chad.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that nice? It's an anorexic action figure. Fantastic.
MARCUS PARKS
Anorexic. Thinjaman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thinjaman.
BEN KISSEL
Gotcha.
MARCUS PARKS
Thinjaman. And the guy in the tank top, he chucked a bottle of whiskey at the boys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool!
MARCUS PARKS
"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep! Slurred the drunken man."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, of course. Fuck them kids.
BEN KISSEL
In the snow?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah man, he's fucking asleep in his house and these kids... Fuck you man, I'm drinking whiskey.
BEN KISSEL
I'm with the guy, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"The bottle crashed against the asphalt, sending shards of broken glass flying everywhere, one landing in Eric's eyelid as he blinked and several on Thomas' sitting form. As they screamed and shouted for their mothers, the snow around Thomas's leg had turned a deep maroon and began to expand drastically."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
"Eric in his dazed state had tripped and fallen face first into the mound expanding near Thomas's leg. Mommy! wailed Thomas as his lower body was absorbed."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
Bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bloodshed!
BEN KISSEL
That's fun.
MARCUS PARKS
That's what eric chanted back, he said, 'Bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bloodshed, bloodshed, bloodshed!
MARCUS PARKS
"The remains of the two Children and 548 kg of bloodied snow lumbered to the school, all the while humming a dirge and slowly growing."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What? Thinjaman.
BEN KISSEL
So they turned into a big bloody snowman?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, a big bloody bluh.
BEN KISSEL
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It was humming.
BEN KISSEL
And they still went to school? I would skip that day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're literally a blood snow cone man, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're a blood-filled snowman. You go back to school, you go back to the rules?
BEN KISSEL
No. You don't need to know math at that point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no man, you go on the road. Okay now.
BEN KISSEL
This is the final tale Henry, are you ready to really scare us?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay so I asked this question to Marcus before and maybe we'll find out. Are there certain laws in the UK-
BEN KISSEL
Yes. Number one, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where you're not allowed to say disparaging, maybe sexual things about the queen?
BEN KISSEL
Oh no, who cares?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right?
BEN KISSEL
The Daily Mail has been living off of it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I don't think they care.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the thing is that this story-
BEN KISSEL
The queen is dead, buddy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that we're gonna see how long we get through with this story I have discovered.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
How long is the story?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna try to skip around.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, so it's 5 or so pages.
MARCUS PARKS
Highlight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's got some time to it.
BEN KISSEL
Great, great. That's exactly what we want.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, go for it.
BEN KISSEL
Get a conclusion here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here we go, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Fireworks!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's see how this goes here because again, always research, I want to bring something to the table. We're here in the UK, I want to bring something that they can understand.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? Because how many times we realize how many of our references are super American?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Sure. We're American.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? People have said that there's some American bias. This is us trying to understand you.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"The call from Balmoral castle came at the most unexpected time. For years, Charles had been expecting it. The call, not the location. Being called to his royal mother's sickbed had been a common if not regular occurrence."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He kicked a suit of armor as he passed and it made a very satisfying clang like a rusty bucket. Most of the artifacts on display did not really belong to the family as much as it did to the British Museum and he would probably have to pay for any damage."
BEN KISSEL
There you go, that's a horror story right there. Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
It really is. It's context.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"There was one, oh yes, speaking of artifacts, there was one on the bed."
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"A very persistent one that had some obligatory amount of affection for him."
BEN KISSEL
Fucking dildo, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Really though frequent calls were beginning to frazzle his nerves. She slept peacefully, pot of drugged lukewarm tea being wheeled out by one of the attendants as the doctors fretted over her results. Mama might not awake. He was torn between wishing she would and wouldn't. On one hand it had been so long, he'd been waiting for this moment for so long. Her face flashed in his eyes, confused, horrified, and the grief. Oh, it seemed bare moments have passed when the doctors informed them that she was stirring awake. The family filed in, all packed into the queen's bedroom and Charles settled by her side, taking one wrinkled hand gingerly in his. There was a sort of fragrance in the room, more death and expensive cologne. It was just so unbearably familiar. Charles ached with the thought, breathing in and branding the scent into his memory. Hello Charles, his mother croaked, the voice feeble with sleep and age and illness. Charles smiled. Mother. The queen hesitantly looked at him once more, almost pleading. Is it a dream? Is it a dream?"
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Charles raised her hand to kiss the protruding knuckles and the queen immediately jerked away, eyes widening in recognition. In reply the prince squeezed her hand. No mama, no it's not a dream. He tilted his head, inhaled deeply, and the queen suddenly faltered, gasping. She shuddered, her lips thinning impossibly. She looked away. The prince sighed softly, satisfaction curling in his gut. The queen is dead. God save the king! Charles thought of his daddy waiting for the good news in his room."
BEN KISSEL
That's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"How glad he was that he'd have mama with him that night and while she had unknowingly caused him to hide and live a life of shame, she too had loved him so dearly even if it could not compare to the love he and Charles had for each other. And if the news hadn't been the final dagger in her undying heart, Charles did not seem to mind one bit. Whatever Elizabeth had expected, the sight of a corpse was not it. It was lying on a bed remarkably well mummified in some sort of artificial skin suit, naked and phallus standing upright under a cotton sheet. Her hand had darted desperately for the telephone only to find it missing from the usual desk."
BEN KISSEL
I thought the queen was dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I mean it's something. I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because there was a terrible secret between Charles and his father, that once she had found out and knew for sure he thought that it would kill her but instead she remained alive.
BEN KISSEL
Oh! He's having sex with his father.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"There was a figure by the lamp, twirling the phone receiver by its cord. I've come to confess, mama. What is meaning this? Elizabeth asked feebly. The smell of preservative chemicals barely hid the necrotic fumes hanging thickly in the air and she felt faint. Charles smiled viciously, stripping the thin sheet off the corpse. Do you recognize him, mama? The queen shook her head, trying to edge away. It was the first time such a visual fright had taken hold of her. Are you attempting regicide? Is this what this is, Charles? The boy, old man he might be but he was still a boy to her, shook his head with a triumphant smile and shed his clothes. Elizabeth averted her eyes."
MARCUS PARKS
He's naked now.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, no. I got it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Then he was lifting her face, earnestly pleading her to take a good look at the corpse. Father was not very faithful to you, he breathed. He liked younger partners, he liked ramming it into their assholes, filling them up. He liked training them up to be his little bitches."
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Charles lifted the corpse up, tracing its sharp cheekbones with mad infatuation. I was his bitch, mama. The queen's breath hitched, she sank back on her pillows, sorrow plunging a deep blade serrated with scandals into her heart. She cannot think of it. Her eldest son being abused, violated by his own father? Is this the truth, my child? Charles closed his eyes and licked a stripe along the corpse's blackened lips."
BEN KISSEL
Jeez.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Yes mama. I was his favorite."
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Private lives, huh?
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that something?
MARCUS PARKS
The royal family.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly this is really long.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. So anyway, I think we got the gist of it there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is really, really quite long.
BEN KISSEL
So he's having sex with his father's corpse because his father groomed him to the point where-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He loved me...worked himself on the corpse's length..."
BEN KISSEL
Is there like a last sentence?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. "Jealousy reared its head as Charles taunted her more and more." Oh yeah because he's having sex with the-
MARCUS PARKS
The corpse. But she's just taking it, she's just standing there and watching.
BEN KISSEL
She's lying down.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Is she dead?
BEN KISSEL
Not yet.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
I mean in real life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, she's not dead yet. "We did it behind your back you know, for years. So Charles slid a contraceptive down the phallus and began sucking on it."
BEN KISSEL
Oh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"His finger slipping between his own legs."
BEN KISSEL
That's fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It was a sight no mother should ever see."
BEN KISSEL
I agree actually.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I almost feel bad for the queen.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Charles bore down on her, daring her to watch the two people she had ruined, abandoned and ruined, tore her own mellow wallpapers down. He loved me! Charles cried, panting as he worked himself on the corpse's length. He loved me, mama! His elderly body twisted it's impending climax. The heir apparent let out a slew of filthy moans, whimpering when he began to bounce harder and harder and harder, the bed creaking with his efforts. Look at me, your majesty. How could she not?"
BEN KISSEL
Right, he's having sex with the corpse of his father.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I hate you, mama! Charles spat. If it weren't for you, I'd be bedridden in the master bedroom of the Buckingham Palace, sore and used and stuffed with his come while papa ruled with me."
MARCUS PARKS
His come.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Daddy! Charles cried anguished and he began to spasm and spurt thick, ropey spunk under the bedclothes. Oh no, daddy will be all right. I'll get you fixed up in no time, daddy."
MARCUS PARKS
Is that the end?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, there's like two more pages to this.
BEN KISSEL
There's quite a bit.
MARCUS PARKS
Usually ropey come is when these stories end.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then yeah, Elizabeth couldn't really make it to attend to her duties and because she died of looking at it.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how she died.
BEN KISSEL
That's how she died.
MARCUS PARKS
So that corpse is like a couple years old, like a year old then.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah, maybe even more. And I'm trying to find the name. What's the name of that TV show about the queen?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Queen!
MARCUS PARKS
The Crown.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, The Crown.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was it called The Crown?
MARCUS PARKS
The Crown.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The Crown, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was that good?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
No, I don't watch anything like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, I'm talking about the story.
MARCUS PARKS
It was good.
BEN KISSEL
Oh was that good? Yeah, that was horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh the story!
BEN KISSEL
No, it was about necrophilia and a whole series of different disgusting things but for our purposes it worked.
MARCUS PARKS
I thought it was well done.
BEN KISSEL
You did a god job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do I need to even tell the people who wrote that?
BEN KISSEL
No, you can save them that. You can save them that. All right everyone, that was creepypasta number something. Thank you all so much for listening and thanks to everyone who has come out to our live shows in Europe. It's been an absolute joy and a thrill to entertain you and we hope you're enjoying the shows. And yeah, anything else?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like a bucket and old woman spunk?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's a disgusting story, Henry.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah you'd be surprised how much, mostly when I was looking at Queen Elizabeth erotica, it was very romantic.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, of course.
BEN KISSEL
I believe that, yeah. People really loved her. I mean some did, I don't know. She was a pretty bad person.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was kind of surprised by all the romance in it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was a lot of them tenderly kissing. I was like this isn't good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, people like the royals. They're writing erotica, most people like it to be sweet. Most erotica is not awful.
BEN KISSEL
If they actually use it for sexual purposes. People actually do that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do. But I feel like this guy said, I know there's a lot of necrophilia and incest in this, but I wrote this for the fans.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It's probably the most accurate story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, probably.
MARCUS PARKS
But you know how the erotica involving the three of us is always very tender.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. All right, well again thanks to everyone who has come to the shows. And do we have any...?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, we do.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We do have an announcement. We have Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser are going on the fucking road.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have all of the information here, I'm very excited for their new show. They have been working on it. They are going to Austin November 17th.
BEN KISSEL
Awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dallas, DC, Philly, they're doing a Brooklyn show in December. Minneapolis, Milwaukee, Chicago, San Francisco. Go to their Patreons.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser, go to their Patreons for more information. We're gonna post the ticket links. But I can't wait to make them out there doing this, doing the whole stroll.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. And check out that show, it's gonna be absolutely fantastic and very fun and funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's gonna be fucking awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
And I think they're also posting the dates on the hosts' Instagrams.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, so follow @jackthatworm or @mjklcat.
BEN KISSEL
What is it, @holdenators?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
@holdenators. Yeah, look on their website. It'll be on Last Podcast Network @LPN, we'll have it there. Please, it'll be awesome, see them live. It's gonna be fucking sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
Great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Next week we're doing a spooky UK update. We've got a bunch of different UK stories. If you got anything you want to submit, please sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. We'd love to hear what you want us to cover at some point but we got a batch of shit to get into because the spookiness has only just begun!
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. All right everyone, thanks for listening. Hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations everybody.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(British accent) Oh, oh, I simply can't watch it anymore!
BEN KISSEL
I hate you, king. I hate the king. I actually hate King Charles more than Queen Elizabeth.
MARCUS PARKS
Really? Well I could see that, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
He doesn't deserve it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He doesn't deserve it.
BEN KISSEL
No.
MARCUS PARKS
But he waited for it for so long.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
BEN KISSEL
What does that mean? You just sit and wait like a little pampered asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He should have quit. He should have quit and walked away. He could have been a boogie boarder, do anything else.
BEN KISSEL
Boogie boarder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Harry, the other one?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He can do whatever.
MARCUS PARKS
He can't be a boogie boarder, he's the Prince of Wales.
BEN KISSEL
Prince of Wales.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're trying to understand you.
BEN KISSEL
It's been awesome.