REVIEW: CHOPPING MALL

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CHOPPING MALL

NOT AN INFOMERCIAL

First of all, let’s just get it out of the way and say this movie has a fantastic title but misleading title. It is set in a mall but even though there’s no chopping involved, it does have plenty of stabbing, lasering and exploding head weaponry.
The Killbots (which was the original title of the movie) do in fact kill even though in the first scene Dr. Stan Simon, the engineer, says otherwise. “They neutralize.” Yes, the mall from Fast Times of Ridgemont High is in dire need of weaponized robots. They are actually pretty cool even though you could tape a Swiss Army knife and a Speak N Spell to a roomba with the same results. Maybe they could also shampoo the carpets after decapitating a Hot Topic sales associate (I was one over ten years ago so I can say that).  
The movie begins with a Robocop style conference with someone inevitably saying, “Absolutely nothing can go wrong.” And this is where the fun it really begins, which doesn’t discount the cool Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov Eating Raoul cameo that comes before.
So the main story follows eight old as fuck teenagers who decide to have a party at a furniture store in the middle of the mall. The eight twenty somethings are Linda and Greg, the married couple, the other horny couple Suzie and Rick, the horniest couple Leslie and Mike, and the innocent and nerdy Alison and Ferdy who are actually also horny.
Once they’re inside the mall, that’s when the inevitable conflict begins.The killbots are standing by to be sent out on patrol for would-be burglars by the mall’s Nedry when a single thunderbolt hits the building which somehow reaches the killbots. This is, of course, an evil thunderbolt, reprogramming the ‘bots to kill anybody and everybody on command. Bad night for a mall-orgy.
Despite this being an obviously terrible movie, the kills are amazing. The best death of all has got to be Leslie’s when a robolaser explodes her head, consequently ruining her hair.  Her boyfriend Mike attempts to dispel them with a  “Klactu Barata Niktu” but all he gets is a roboknife to the throat for his troubles. The gang realize that their orgy probably isn’t going to happen so it's up to the rest of the surviving forty year olds to try to stop them.
They do come up with an ingenious plan but honestly, why didn't they just disable the elevators and escalators? These robots can't climb stairs! Damn these prototypes! Of course it's up to the leading men to say “We’ve got company,” and “Let's send these fuckers a Rambogram!”
“Chopping Mall” was produced by Julie Corman, with the uncredited help of her husband, Roger Corman, and directed by Jim Wynorski who has the funniest IMDb page. He’s got over 100 directing credits including such classics as The Bare Wench Project 1, 2 and 3, Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade, The Witches of Breastwick 1 and 2 and The Hills Have Thighs among many, many more. Anyway, I totally recommend watching this movie before you decide to join a sex party at a little mall of horrors.
-Carolina Hidalgo